Then I'm done.
The major difference between fourth year and first year was illustrated to me yesterday. I had an exam yesterday. It snowed yesterday. Instead of feeling like I didn't have the time or energy to concentrate on anything but my exam, I went out and built a rockin good snowman with the boo.
Its all relative, you know? That half hour crawling around in the snow probably did far more for my state of mind than a half hour studying the 12 links of dependent origination. Im glad that I can have enough perspective about where on the importance scale things lie now. Just in time to graduate, heh. Thats not to say that I wasnt fully prepared for the exam, of course - just that I knew for a fact that I could take a bit of time and it wouldnt make much of a difference, and more importantly that I could enjoy that time while I was having it because I knew that school was school, and school needs to be put in perspective.
I started getting all anxietal about the exam at about 4 pm in the afternoon yesterday, but then I realized that it actually wasnt the exam I was feeling wound up about at all - it was all the stuff that goes along with the exam, all the embellishment and meaning that I add to it - ie "If I dont do well on the exam, then I dont get a good mark, if I dont get a good mark, I dont get into grad school, if I dont get into grad school, I wont be able to get a job in these tough economic times, blah blah blah blah blah... " and then I realized that it wasnt the exam itself I was being freaked out about, it was my future. And the thing with the future is that it just hasnt happened yet, so no use being upset about it.
Now, I'm gonna go back and attack the second half of my environmental bio course. Whee!
As a post script, after the exam I texted my partner and said to him "its weird not feeling all stressed out about stuff." He reassured me that he had faith in my ability to find something. :P
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Potty Training and Perfection in Parenting: Like your sh*t dont stink
I was reading an article in some waiting room magazine the other day about a woman who trains your children on the potty for you. Its a 4-6 hour session based loosely on the ideas of a book called Potty Training in One day, or something like that. She calls it booty camp. Now, get this: She charges 250 bucks a pop for the supposed privilege of feeding your child copious amounts of candy, pop and other crap (chips are salty and 'draw water into the bowel'), takes their diaper away, and insists that if they have any accidents they clean them up themselves.
The article asks whether this is endemic of parents having not enough time, or beliefs that everything has to be perfect in terms of parenting - both contributing factors in my opinion. But, speaking as someone who suffered through 18 months (!) of constipation and primary encoporesis (look it up) due to potty related angst, by about a year into it, I would have paid ANY amount of money in order to have her pooping normally. She's ok now, thankfully, the (ahem) 'penny' finally dropped when she was about 3 ½, but while it was going on, I felt kind of like that day-glo abortions song “the only thing I ever talk about is poo”. I did feel like a horrible mum. I tried everything to get her to “go”: feeding her basically a liquid diet for weeks at a time, nothing but soft fruits and veggies, no rice, no grains, no white foods, no meats... then, it was the childrens laxative drops. Olive oil. Milk of Magnesia. Fibre chews. Bowel buddy cookies. When that didnt work, I asked my doctor. He put her on a low dose lactulose solution, which did not really make one lick of difference. Then the bribery started. Candy. Presents. Smarties for the Smarty that uses the potty. Positive reinforcement. Negative consequences. threats, cajoling, begging. Taking the diaper away, giving it back, buying her big girl underwear, letting her run aroud naked. Giving her privacy, staying with her. making her sit on the potty for hours, leaving it in the middle of the living room for weeks on end, and (to my therapists horror) glycerin suppositories when I was at my wits end and she hadnt pooped in weeks to months. The biggest problem was that she held back – she would squeeze her little buttcheeks together and refuse to let it out – at one point I had a book called “everyone poops” and she asserted that she didn't.
“Boo, everyone poops – look, whales poop, horsies poop, bunnies poop, fishies poop, mummies poop, etc etc”
“I DONT POOP!!!”
Theres no real arguing with a 2 year old, of course.
But this is a common experience, apparently – one in five kids have chronic childhood constipation and primary encoporesis. The little girl that lives across the street from us was in a pull up until 6 because of it. We decided that we would keep her out of jk if it didnt resolve itself, we pulled her out of pre-school because of it. What I did feel, during the entire experience, was very judged: she must have developmental or emotional problems because she won't have a bm. This of course wouldnt be the case with the kid across the street, but then they are homeowners (the boo calls them “home ogres”) and not some single student mother. It must be because I've screwed it up somehow, right? The explanation was actually much simpler than this – she had a bad bout of constipation over the holidays when she was 2, and it hurt, and she was scared to poop from that point onwards, which compounded the problem. You know, I know Im not the best mom in the world, I make mistakes all the time. I think its ridiculous to pretend that you are a perfect parent, because hey, parents are human. They get tired, cranky, agitated, morose, etc etc etc... but I do the best I can do.
Anyways, it ended as quickly as it had begun – she decided one day that she would poop on the potty, did it, and never stopped doing it again. But rather than pay someone to do it for you, I think parents have to learn how to ride it out. There are always going to be difficult parts, the saga of the boo's toilet training was definitely a cake topper thus far (the parents with teenagers are laughing at me now, I know, because I know for a fact that I aint seen nothing yet) but how far does this delegation of responsibility go? In the end it was just a matter of being patient with a very icky situation and waiting it out.
That is the nice thing about parenting. What I feel like its taught me is how not to give up – I was one of those middle class kids that grew up in a culture of instant gratification – if I didnt get it immediately, Id give up. With children, you cant exactly leave them at the curb when it gets hard. And no matter how many times you make mistakes, you have to live with the consequences. Thankfully, most of the time, because of that damn instinct thing, the mistakes are generally pretty minor and consequences arent that bad. My daughter may grow up to be an anal retentive, but you know? Im a control freak too, and so is my mom, and so is her father. I would have a very hard time attributing a type A personality in her to mistakes I made while toilet training – the mistakes I make in the rest of her upbringing, sure. But not that.
So I guess what Im saying is go easy on yourself. It sucks, and sometimes it takes a long time. But sometimes its just a matter of being patient. I reckon that probably applies to a lot of things about child rearing, heh. Its been about 8 months now since she understood it, and I still am grateful for every single poo. Now if that isnt being a good mom, I dunno what is. :P
The article asks whether this is endemic of parents having not enough time, or beliefs that everything has to be perfect in terms of parenting - both contributing factors in my opinion. But, speaking as someone who suffered through 18 months (!) of constipation and primary encoporesis (look it up) due to potty related angst, by about a year into it, I would have paid ANY amount of money in order to have her pooping normally. She's ok now, thankfully, the (ahem) 'penny' finally dropped when she was about 3 ½, but while it was going on, I felt kind of like that day-glo abortions song “the only thing I ever talk about is poo”. I did feel like a horrible mum. I tried everything to get her to “go”: feeding her basically a liquid diet for weeks at a time, nothing but soft fruits and veggies, no rice, no grains, no white foods, no meats... then, it was the childrens laxative drops. Olive oil. Milk of Magnesia. Fibre chews. Bowel buddy cookies. When that didnt work, I asked my doctor. He put her on a low dose lactulose solution, which did not really make one lick of difference. Then the bribery started. Candy. Presents. Smarties for the Smarty that uses the potty. Positive reinforcement. Negative consequences. threats, cajoling, begging. Taking the diaper away, giving it back, buying her big girl underwear, letting her run aroud naked. Giving her privacy, staying with her. making her sit on the potty for hours, leaving it in the middle of the living room for weeks on end, and (to my therapists horror) glycerin suppositories when I was at my wits end and she hadnt pooped in weeks to months. The biggest problem was that she held back – she would squeeze her little buttcheeks together and refuse to let it out – at one point I had a book called “everyone poops” and she asserted that she didn't.
“Boo, everyone poops – look, whales poop, horsies poop, bunnies poop, fishies poop, mummies poop, etc etc”
“I DONT POOP!!!”
Theres no real arguing with a 2 year old, of course.
But this is a common experience, apparently – one in five kids have chronic childhood constipation and primary encoporesis. The little girl that lives across the street from us was in a pull up until 6 because of it. We decided that we would keep her out of jk if it didnt resolve itself, we pulled her out of pre-school because of it. What I did feel, during the entire experience, was very judged: she must have developmental or emotional problems because she won't have a bm. This of course wouldnt be the case with the kid across the street, but then they are homeowners (the boo calls them “home ogres”) and not some single student mother. It must be because I've screwed it up somehow, right? The explanation was actually much simpler than this – she had a bad bout of constipation over the holidays when she was 2, and it hurt, and she was scared to poop from that point onwards, which compounded the problem. You know, I know Im not the best mom in the world, I make mistakes all the time. I think its ridiculous to pretend that you are a perfect parent, because hey, parents are human. They get tired, cranky, agitated, morose, etc etc etc... but I do the best I can do.
Anyways, it ended as quickly as it had begun – she decided one day that she would poop on the potty, did it, and never stopped doing it again. But rather than pay someone to do it for you, I think parents have to learn how to ride it out. There are always going to be difficult parts, the saga of the boo's toilet training was definitely a cake topper thus far (the parents with teenagers are laughing at me now, I know, because I know for a fact that I aint seen nothing yet) but how far does this delegation of responsibility go? In the end it was just a matter of being patient with a very icky situation and waiting it out.
That is the nice thing about parenting. What I feel like its taught me is how not to give up – I was one of those middle class kids that grew up in a culture of instant gratification – if I didnt get it immediately, Id give up. With children, you cant exactly leave them at the curb when it gets hard. And no matter how many times you make mistakes, you have to live with the consequences. Thankfully, most of the time, because of that damn instinct thing, the mistakes are generally pretty minor and consequences arent that bad. My daughter may grow up to be an anal retentive, but you know? Im a control freak too, and so is my mom, and so is her father. I would have a very hard time attributing a type A personality in her to mistakes I made while toilet training – the mistakes I make in the rest of her upbringing, sure. But not that.
So I guess what Im saying is go easy on yourself. It sucks, and sometimes it takes a long time. But sometimes its just a matter of being patient. I reckon that probably applies to a lot of things about child rearing, heh. Its been about 8 months now since she understood it, and I still am grateful for every single poo. Now if that isnt being a good mom, I dunno what is. :P
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Snowed Under
Literally and figuratively.
Wow, lots of work over the next few weeks. Helpful that the boo decided to get sick this particular weekend, woke me up at 1 in the morning on saturday screaming about an ear infection. Then puked. On me. And my bed. I have three essays due in three days this week.
Regardless of that, though, I did manage to be productive this weekend, and got substantive amounts of two of them done. The last is a formal lab report for ENV234, I will have to write the discussion tomorrow afternoon. It doesnt thrill me that I have to take this course in order to graduate, it is one of those courses that is really inconvenient for student parents to take - all day field trip on a Sunday, late labs every other tuesday, lots of irritating little assignments that add up but are oh so easily neglected in the face of more pressing (or should that be puking?) concerns. Oh well. The content of the course isnt too bad, overall, at least.
I am really very thankful, though, that I do have the support system I have. This weekend would have been a total write off had it not been for my mum being able to soothe the boo for me. Had this weekend been a total write off, I would have been able to kiss any chances that I had for an A in my two fourth year courses goodbye. I have A's in them currently, so to go so far and do so well and lose them to a twist of fate would have been particularly painful. That was what it was like with PSL302 last year. I did quite well in it, throughout the first semester, which is ostensibly supposed to be the harder semester, as its all neurophysiology., Second semester is systems physiology, so most peoples marks go up with the third term test. Not mine, though. The week prior was a huge blowout in terms of my custody battle, and was exacerbated on the last day before my test by some continuing drama. I only managed a 58% on that term test, and a B overall in the course, which hurt, because it wouldn't have been so low had it not been for the custody drama. As I am doing this (mostly) for her, in order to be a functional mom who can support her, to have her other half be so destructive to that goal was definitely difficult. But its over now, so I am happy about that.
She is snoring next to me at the moment. Kid has some adenoids on her or something, she snores like a full grown man, and has occasional apnea which is so, so, scary. I want to get her adenoids looked at, but I'm scared that the doc is going to insist that she have them out, which I dont want to do, because Im scared of having her undergo surgery. I know it's a very minor surgery, but still. My baby under the knife doesn't sit well with me. She has weird cravings as well (she will, for example, beg for a bowl of salt), so I got her blood tested at Sick Kids earlier on this year for electrolyte deficiencies. It came back normal, except for her b12, but thats because she likes my b12 tablets (theyre sublingual and taste good) and had had one before the blood test. But as we were there, we saw so many kids in so much pain, and suffering - my mum says that every parent should have to spend one day per month in a childrens hospital, to make them thankful for their healthy kid, no matter how much of a brat they're being. It certainly worked for me. She is such a miracle to me, even when I get feet in the small of my back when she's inadvertently turned herself horizontal sleeping in my bed (Do I regret co sleeping? ask me in another year) or told me she doesnt like me anymore or that Im a bad mummy because I won't let her climb the outside of the bannister up the stairs (lol). And yes, even when she is puking on me at 1 in the morning. I guess I'm just smitten.
Wow, lots of work over the next few weeks. Helpful that the boo decided to get sick this particular weekend, woke me up at 1 in the morning on saturday screaming about an ear infection. Then puked. On me. And my bed. I have three essays due in three days this week.
Regardless of that, though, I did manage to be productive this weekend, and got substantive amounts of two of them done. The last is a formal lab report for ENV234, I will have to write the discussion tomorrow afternoon. It doesnt thrill me that I have to take this course in order to graduate, it is one of those courses that is really inconvenient for student parents to take - all day field trip on a Sunday, late labs every other tuesday, lots of irritating little assignments that add up but are oh so easily neglected in the face of more pressing (or should that be puking?) concerns. Oh well. The content of the course isnt too bad, overall, at least.
I am really very thankful, though, that I do have the support system I have. This weekend would have been a total write off had it not been for my mum being able to soothe the boo for me. Had this weekend been a total write off, I would have been able to kiss any chances that I had for an A in my two fourth year courses goodbye. I have A's in them currently, so to go so far and do so well and lose them to a twist of fate would have been particularly painful. That was what it was like with PSL302 last year. I did quite well in it, throughout the first semester, which is ostensibly supposed to be the harder semester, as its all neurophysiology., Second semester is systems physiology, so most peoples marks go up with the third term test. Not mine, though. The week prior was a huge blowout in terms of my custody battle, and was exacerbated on the last day before my test by some continuing drama. I only managed a 58% on that term test, and a B overall in the course, which hurt, because it wouldn't have been so low had it not been for the custody drama. As I am doing this (mostly) for her, in order to be a functional mom who can support her, to have her other half be so destructive to that goal was definitely difficult. But its over now, so I am happy about that.
She is snoring next to me at the moment. Kid has some adenoids on her or something, she snores like a full grown man, and has occasional apnea which is so, so, scary. I want to get her adenoids looked at, but I'm scared that the doc is going to insist that she have them out, which I dont want to do, because Im scared of having her undergo surgery. I know it's a very minor surgery, but still. My baby under the knife doesn't sit well with me. She has weird cravings as well (she will, for example, beg for a bowl of salt), so I got her blood tested at Sick Kids earlier on this year for electrolyte deficiencies. It came back normal, except for her b12, but thats because she likes my b12 tablets (theyre sublingual and taste good) and had had one before the blood test. But as we were there, we saw so many kids in so much pain, and suffering - my mum says that every parent should have to spend one day per month in a childrens hospital, to make them thankful for their healthy kid, no matter how much of a brat they're being. It certainly worked for me. She is such a miracle to me, even when I get feet in the small of my back when she's inadvertently turned herself horizontal sleeping in my bed (Do I regret co sleeping? ask me in another year) or told me she doesnt like me anymore or that Im a bad mummy because I won't let her climb the outside of the bannister up the stairs (lol). And yes, even when she is puking on me at 1 in the morning. I guess I'm just smitten.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
I have it.
A 15 page separation agreement in my hot little hands. signed and witnessed. Its done. It was relatively painless in comparison to some people's experience, but what a palpable sense of relief those documents are. I think this is why lawyers make so much money, because at some point you will pay any amount of money to be done with it, finished with it, have it clear and sorted out and above all else, off your plate in terms of worries.
Something to be grateful for today.
Something to be grateful for today.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
back from the netherworld
Or at least from U of T. Its been over 18 months since I've written in this journal, but yesterday, Maria from the Family Care Office said to me "I miss your blog!" To which I replied "Somebody actually read the thing? Amazing." So I suppose I will start writing it again. I've also started two other blogs since then, one is a pictorial blog inspired by my ANA300 class, and one is a journal that I'm required to keep for my buddhist psychology class.
I'm in fourth year now. My daughter is four years old, and has started school herself, junior kindergarten is treating her nicely, but whoever heard of giving a four year old homework? I fundamentally disagree with that, as she does more on her own time in terms of learning her letters or anything else for that matter. She is frighteningly brilliant, some days I worry very deeply that she will be in a position sooner than later that eclipses my wits, and then I'm doooomed, heh. But that's not today, and I still have a threat of a naughty step in my arsenal.
I had a very tough year last year. There were a variety of reasons for it, which I will list briefly because I am on the other side of them for the most part, and can look back in retrospect and be happy that is no longer what I'm dealing with. At the end of second year, all hell broke loose in terms of my gut. I lost approximately 35 pounds in about 6 weeks, and was really struggling as I wasn't really getting very many nutrients. I had had a localized rash in first year that had been treated by a dermatologist in second with liquid antihistamine (which had a side effect of being an anxiolytic, it was awesome, and I was sleeping 12 hours a night because it knocked me out cold), but through various clinics and skin tests and upper intestinal tract biopsies, it was eventually determined that I have a gluten intolerance. So, no wheat. This caused a lot of problems. A lot of problems. As in, I was vegan for 3 years in my early 20's and that was a cakewalk in comparison to this. One of the things that I did in order to save time for studying during the day, for example, was buy a slice of pizza - cheap, semi alright in terms of food, and the best part about it? edible walking to my class/library. Not possible with a gluten intolerance. Problem 2: no chinese food. Soy sauce has wheat in it. Problem 3: can't eat french fries that have been cooked in the same oil as battered food. Problem 4: I really really like cookies. And on and on and on and on ad infinitum. So literally, I had to start from scratch and start, and rebuild not only my diet but how I thought about food. Rather than regarding food as fuel, I had to all of a sudden worry about it constantly. I felt like I went from losing weight because nothing would stay in me for more than 20 minutes to losing weight because I could no longer eat anything at all on this planet. It took a long time to adjust, and really was probably one of the hardest things. The other problem was that when I started the gluten free diet, I no longer took the liquid antihistamine, so my anxiety levels shot through the roof, and I was no longer sleeping more than 5 hours a night. It was a bit of a shock to the system.
Now, compared to that, believe it or not, a custody battle is a relatively minor undertaking, but yes, it did present itself to me. It will have to wait for another day though, because my 15 minutes is almost up. As well, the severe crisis of confidence I was having in my belief structure and core motivations for being at school, but I have a feeling that will be a post in of itself. Yeah. A lot happened last year.
I'm in fourth year now. My daughter is four years old, and has started school herself, junior kindergarten is treating her nicely, but whoever heard of giving a four year old homework? I fundamentally disagree with that, as she does more on her own time in terms of learning her letters or anything else for that matter. She is frighteningly brilliant, some days I worry very deeply that she will be in a position sooner than later that eclipses my wits, and then I'm doooomed, heh. But that's not today, and I still have a threat of a naughty step in my arsenal.
I had a very tough year last year. There were a variety of reasons for it, which I will list briefly because I am on the other side of them for the most part, and can look back in retrospect and be happy that is no longer what I'm dealing with. At the end of second year, all hell broke loose in terms of my gut. I lost approximately 35 pounds in about 6 weeks, and was really struggling as I wasn't really getting very many nutrients. I had had a localized rash in first year that had been treated by a dermatologist in second with liquid antihistamine (which had a side effect of being an anxiolytic, it was awesome, and I was sleeping 12 hours a night because it knocked me out cold), but through various clinics and skin tests and upper intestinal tract biopsies, it was eventually determined that I have a gluten intolerance. So, no wheat. This caused a lot of problems. A lot of problems. As in, I was vegan for 3 years in my early 20's and that was a cakewalk in comparison to this. One of the things that I did in order to save time for studying during the day, for example, was buy a slice of pizza - cheap, semi alright in terms of food, and the best part about it? edible walking to my class/library. Not possible with a gluten intolerance. Problem 2: no chinese food. Soy sauce has wheat in it. Problem 3: can't eat french fries that have been cooked in the same oil as battered food. Problem 4: I really really like cookies. And on and on and on and on ad infinitum. So literally, I had to start from scratch and start, and rebuild not only my diet but how I thought about food. Rather than regarding food as fuel, I had to all of a sudden worry about it constantly. I felt like I went from losing weight because nothing would stay in me for more than 20 minutes to losing weight because I could no longer eat anything at all on this planet. It took a long time to adjust, and really was probably one of the hardest things. The other problem was that when I started the gluten free diet, I no longer took the liquid antihistamine, so my anxiety levels shot through the roof, and I was no longer sleeping more than 5 hours a night. It was a bit of a shock to the system.
Now, compared to that, believe it or not, a custody battle is a relatively minor undertaking, but yes, it did present itself to me. It will have to wait for another day though, because my 15 minutes is almost up. As well, the severe crisis of confidence I was having in my belief structure and core motivations for being at school, but I have a feeling that will be a post in of itself. Yeah. A lot happened last year.
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