So I'm taking (a probably not earned yet) break. :)
It's a funny one... I can't seem to get anywhere over a 65 in that course for my tests, no matter how hard I study... course that meant I was below the average on the first term test and far above it on the second, but nevermind.
Here is some random social theorizing for you:
.... or not. The thing I wanted to type in disappeared. Dammit. that means I left my phil book at home...
ah well. My thesis for my phil essay shall have to do.
My question posed was regarding Utilitarianism, indirect utilitarianism in specific. I'll post the argument I make, with the example that makes it clear, instead of all the boring and obtuse theory that comes from the contemporary moral philosopher we're reading:
Definition: "indirect utilitarianism is a kind of utilitarianism which recognizes that an agent is more likely to act rightly by developing the right attitudes, habits and principles, (presumably utilitarian) then acting on them, rather than trying to calculate the value of the consequence before deciding to act.
Williams also includes the expression of a character disposition in his definition, which leads to the idea of agent centred values, and what role they play.
So, in answering the question as to what role agent centred values play, I come to the crux of my thesis: In that indirect utilitarianism is in fact, utilitarianism, but only if the agent centred values are in of themselves utilitarian. This begs an education in utilitarian morality, which is not inconsistent with Mill's assertion that "moral feelings are not innate, but acquired, and not for that reason less natural."
It also requires an ongoing interest and engagement in the society that you happen to inhabit, so that the moral choices that you make (while not specifically utilitarian, per se) are still informed and enlightened.
This would work well with Mill's assertion that "education and opinion, which have so vast a power over human character, should so use that power as to establish in the mind of every individual an indissoluble association between his own happiness and the good of the whole."
The day to day actions that you take will therefore, even if on a subconscious level, be more likely to promote utilitarian values.
So, now I have to bring forward an example of what I mean.
Take for example, a utilitarian view of what should be done about the environment. In a direct utilitarian view, one should do everything in their power to reduce the harm they inflict upon the environment. That is, they should live close to their place of work, and walk or bike there, they should also eat low on the food chain and wear only natural clothing. I'll stop here before I draw too much of a caricature of the tree hugging hippie. That is, their every action should be one in accordance with saving the environment.
For an indirect utilitarian however, it may be morally admissable to live in the suburbs and drive a car, so long as they are studying ways in which the environment can be helped. Especially if living in the city means that they're unable to afford going to school.
However, both situations require an analysis of utilitarian principles at some level, and a justification of utilitarian principles at some level. It is the person that lives in accordance with environmental principles that seems to have less of a hard time sleeping at night, but the person studies the environment for solutions to pressing issues that can be actualized in a far greater degree that seems to have the potential to do a greater good and maximize utility overall.
The only person who would not be able to lay claim to either of these edicts, it would seem, is the uneducated one: uneducated in both the utilitarian principle and the harm reduction strategies on the environment.
There's much (much!) more, but it gets more referential to the text from then on, so I won't post it, as it's really boring if you haven't actually read the text. :P
Okie, that was a good exercise. back to chem now, I suppose (I don't think I've ever looked forward to a course finishing as much as I am looking forward to this one finishing.... )
Friday, August 11, 2006
Monday, July 31, 2006
I should be studying chemistry.
But all work and no play makes Angela want to kill herself.
I gave my brother a ride back from the city today, tomorrow is my mom's birthday so he came home for that, as well as getting out of the heat. We had a fantastic conversation on the way home about suburbia: the frustrations about living in the burbs, the attitudes that prevail in scene-ster-ism, and the fact that it's utter insanity that we feel like we're somehow less worthy of respect because we live in a place that doesn't gouge large holes in our pocketbooks and give us asthma.
Granted, he's moved into the city, so he can see it from that perspective. But he had a great idea: A Save the Suburbs Movement. The thought process is thusly: since there are so many places on this earth that we grant amnesty in terms of so many different things, why can't we declare the suburbs to be a cultural third world? And demand that places like Kensington Market or Parkdale grant us cultural amnesty? Why is it that there are so many people (a full 40% of under 29 year olds live at home, according to the last census, that number is more like 60% when you take it as being under 25 -- they don't all live in the cities, trust me) that are so essentially ashamed to admit where they come from and what they do?
I've had the same thoughts about it, in a bit more of a sociological perspective (as I seem to be a bit of a wax sociologist sometimes) but the way I see it is this: Since the "Move back into the city" movement began in the 80's, there has been an ongoing gentrification of the major cities in North America. The fact of the matter is that any hip young twenty something living there is part of the problem, not the solution. You want to be ghetto and authentic? Move to mississauga; because that's where all the "ghettos" are: they aren't in the city anymore. Haven't been in a long time. You are some fucking yuppy scum dressed up in pre ripped jeans, early homeless chique. And as for the rest of us folx toiling away on the GO: Godamn, be proud of where you come from. As much as it is a cultural wasteland, you're not poisoning your lungs and embracing your alienation. You realize how important family is (or you realize how much easier it is to survive.)
The harder thing shouldn't necessarily be the more respected in this life: I know that this is the case with most of us, we think of people that have it hard as being somehow more worthy than people who don't. But we need to choose our battles wisely, ultimately, and being ashamed of where our parents live is an extremely wasteful way to spend our time.
This is why I love brown people: they just don't give a shit about this kind of stuff. Family is more important... why can't this be seen as a valid option for white folx? What is this utter obsession with rebellion and individuality? I mean, isn't it the case that if everyone is rebellious and individualistic, no one is? And isn't it the case that we're all just behaving like assholes for the sake of it?
Anyways... it's almost 11 so past my bedtime... Gnite, Jonboy.
I gave my brother a ride back from the city today, tomorrow is my mom's birthday so he came home for that, as well as getting out of the heat. We had a fantastic conversation on the way home about suburbia: the frustrations about living in the burbs, the attitudes that prevail in scene-ster-ism, and the fact that it's utter insanity that we feel like we're somehow less worthy of respect because we live in a place that doesn't gouge large holes in our pocketbooks and give us asthma.
Granted, he's moved into the city, so he can see it from that perspective. But he had a great idea: A Save the Suburbs Movement. The thought process is thusly: since there are so many places on this earth that we grant amnesty in terms of so many different things, why can't we declare the suburbs to be a cultural third world? And demand that places like Kensington Market or Parkdale grant us cultural amnesty? Why is it that there are so many people (a full 40% of under 29 year olds live at home, according to the last census, that number is more like 60% when you take it as being under 25 -- they don't all live in the cities, trust me) that are so essentially ashamed to admit where they come from and what they do?
I've had the same thoughts about it, in a bit more of a sociological perspective (as I seem to be a bit of a wax sociologist sometimes) but the way I see it is this: Since the "Move back into the city" movement began in the 80's, there has been an ongoing gentrification of the major cities in North America. The fact of the matter is that any hip young twenty something living there is part of the problem, not the solution. You want to be ghetto and authentic? Move to mississauga; because that's where all the "ghettos" are: they aren't in the city anymore. Haven't been in a long time. You are some fucking yuppy scum dressed up in pre ripped jeans, early homeless chique. And as for the rest of us folx toiling away on the GO: Godamn, be proud of where you come from. As much as it is a cultural wasteland, you're not poisoning your lungs and embracing your alienation. You realize how important family is (or you realize how much easier it is to survive.)
The harder thing shouldn't necessarily be the more respected in this life: I know that this is the case with most of us, we think of people that have it hard as being somehow more worthy than people who don't. But we need to choose our battles wisely, ultimately, and being ashamed of where our parents live is an extremely wasteful way to spend our time.
This is why I love brown people: they just don't give a shit about this kind of stuff. Family is more important... why can't this be seen as a valid option for white folx? What is this utter obsession with rebellion and individuality? I mean, isn't it the case that if everyone is rebellious and individualistic, no one is? And isn't it the case that we're all just behaving like assholes for the sake of it?
Anyways... it's almost 11 so past my bedtime... Gnite, Jonboy.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
A letter to a man I was in love with for 24 hours....
Ok, so I expressed an interest in you. An attraction to you. The first time I've expressed any such thing to anyone in a long time; since I broke up with my kid's dad. It's not the easiest thing being a single mom... you're constantly torn by the dualism that is your life: you're a woman, and a mother, and you somehow had to get to be a mother but mothers are never supposed to have the urges that got them to be mothers in the first place.
What I wanted to say: I wanted to fuck you, not date you. And this is where the conflict arises.
I don't want to date someone who has gone back to school to become more downwardly mobile. I don't buy into it anymore. Because downwardly mobile, removed from its subcultural context, is poverty. Plain and simple. I don't want a relationship with someone who is still very much in a space that they need to be someone for other people rather than themselves. I spent far too much time in that space. I gave everything to that space, including 10 years of my life, my sanity, and my health. If activism had given me back one tenth of what I had given it, I would still be doing it. But unfortunately, the scene being what it is, it doesn't. It uses you up, sucks you dry, and spits you out with nothing to show for it but rotten teeth from too many hand rolled cigarettes and too much cheap booze. I was tired of going to jail, I was tired of being concussed by being beaten about the head with nightsticks, I was tired of actively destroying myself all in the name of saving the world. I was also tired of the prevalent attitude of using people as means, not ends: Nowhere have I seen that more than in the activist scene. I was tired of my friends going to prison or being maimed by cops. I was tired of endless noise and solidarity demonstrations with our fallen comrades. I was tired of wandering, shaking my money maker to get enough cash together to get to the next city, the next country, the next continent.
It is a horrible irony in my life that I devoted so much of my youth to being a cool person, as I very essentially am not one. I'm one of the biggest geeks you ever shall meet: the peach-dress-with-jogging pants-and-red-shoes kind of braceface geek that grew too fast and gangly, teased into oblivion by her peers. It is a horrible irony that I devoted enough time and energy into being a "cool" person that I will never be seen as straightlaced again.... I am one of the statistical social problems now, the welfare queen single mom subsidy sucking miscreant that neo-cons like to pin all the world's ills on. But neither can I lay claim to being "cool" anymore, by dint of trying to do right by my daughter, living in the burbs, and accepting the life of compromise and consumerism that having a child in the 21st century seems to necessitate. So I'm stuck - again. Pushed into this corner by my past, intimidated by my future.
I had to examine very closely why I had such a strong reaction to you. It was visceral, and nearly painful in its intensity. I do understand that certain lessons keep presenting themselves to me: you didn't represent you, you represented an archetype from my past. A boy very much like you destroyed my life and sent me packing for europe from Eugene... it's gotta be the motorcycle and the Robert L. Pirsig connection, something that was never finished, just run away from. In fact I never thought I'd date a guy again after him.... swore off men entirely, and spent the next three years of my life in a relationship with a woman. Life has a funny way of coming round and biting you in the ass, doesn't it? Just when I think I'm over it all, you drop in and tell my libido at least that it's definitely not the case.
But alas, you were scared. Or simply uninterested. Better cut down on the weed, it's affecting your ability to give a damn. There is a difference between detachment and pot induced alienation, even though they may seem at some point to be one in the same. Scared in the same typical way that I wanted to date you. Didn't get the message when I said that I was attracted to the back of your neck and the way you smelled. Does that sound like an academic attraction to you? You kissed me so I thought you got it: I was inviting more of the same when I offered my one day off in the semester to you. It was a good lesson on my part, however: made me examine what I actually wanted and what I really didn't. For that, I thank you.
What I wanted to say: I wanted to fuck you, not date you. And this is where the conflict arises.
I don't want to date someone who has gone back to school to become more downwardly mobile. I don't buy into it anymore. Because downwardly mobile, removed from its subcultural context, is poverty. Plain and simple. I don't want a relationship with someone who is still very much in a space that they need to be someone for other people rather than themselves. I spent far too much time in that space. I gave everything to that space, including 10 years of my life, my sanity, and my health. If activism had given me back one tenth of what I had given it, I would still be doing it. But unfortunately, the scene being what it is, it doesn't. It uses you up, sucks you dry, and spits you out with nothing to show for it but rotten teeth from too many hand rolled cigarettes and too much cheap booze. I was tired of going to jail, I was tired of being concussed by being beaten about the head with nightsticks, I was tired of actively destroying myself all in the name of saving the world. I was also tired of the prevalent attitude of using people as means, not ends: Nowhere have I seen that more than in the activist scene. I was tired of my friends going to prison or being maimed by cops. I was tired of endless noise and solidarity demonstrations with our fallen comrades. I was tired of wandering, shaking my money maker to get enough cash together to get to the next city, the next country, the next continent.
It is a horrible irony in my life that I devoted so much of my youth to being a cool person, as I very essentially am not one. I'm one of the biggest geeks you ever shall meet: the peach-dress-with-jogging pants-and-red-shoes kind of braceface geek that grew too fast and gangly, teased into oblivion by her peers. It is a horrible irony that I devoted enough time and energy into being a "cool" person that I will never be seen as straightlaced again.... I am one of the statistical social problems now, the welfare queen single mom subsidy sucking miscreant that neo-cons like to pin all the world's ills on. But neither can I lay claim to being "cool" anymore, by dint of trying to do right by my daughter, living in the burbs, and accepting the life of compromise and consumerism that having a child in the 21st century seems to necessitate. So I'm stuck - again. Pushed into this corner by my past, intimidated by my future.
I had to examine very closely why I had such a strong reaction to you. It was visceral, and nearly painful in its intensity. I do understand that certain lessons keep presenting themselves to me: you didn't represent you, you represented an archetype from my past. A boy very much like you destroyed my life and sent me packing for europe from Eugene... it's gotta be the motorcycle and the Robert L. Pirsig connection, something that was never finished, just run away from. In fact I never thought I'd date a guy again after him.... swore off men entirely, and spent the next three years of my life in a relationship with a woman. Life has a funny way of coming round and biting you in the ass, doesn't it? Just when I think I'm over it all, you drop in and tell my libido at least that it's definitely not the case.
But alas, you were scared. Or simply uninterested. Better cut down on the weed, it's affecting your ability to give a damn. There is a difference between detachment and pot induced alienation, even though they may seem at some point to be one in the same. Scared in the same typical way that I wanted to date you. Didn't get the message when I said that I was attracted to the back of your neck and the way you smelled. Does that sound like an academic attraction to you? You kissed me so I thought you got it: I was inviting more of the same when I offered my one day off in the semester to you. It was a good lesson on my part, however: made me examine what I actually wanted and what I really didn't. For that, I thank you.
Sunday, May 28, 2006
sometimes I wish I could wear a sign....
... that says: "Yes, I am a single mother. No, I don't want to marry you. Neither do I want to immediately jump into bed with you and get pregnant. I don't even know you. Maybe we could go out on a date first?" :lol:
Monday, March 27, 2006
Alright, It's been forever...
So I'm gonna post a quick update. I'm just about to start my hell week at school: after this week I should have considerably more time to breathe. I finished my bioethics essay this week, it's a very conservative stance but I think I did a good job at arguing it, I'll post it when I get a chance.
It's spring, ergo I have crushes. (Someone told me I wasn't white trash because I used the word "ergo" on biome in the early days of UT. What I wanted to say at the time and didn't was that poor doesn't equal stupid.) I'm wondering if it's ethical to date one of my classmates, given the age difference. The other ones are on TA's so I'm not as worried about them, though they probably have ethical guidelines they have to follow, lest they be fired. And speaking of men, G. is pissing me off to no end... it's a girl! ....and a boy! Of all the immature, sesile, boring things he can do, he's started to smoke pot again. I feel like saying to him "Get the fuck out of my life, you selfish addicted prick." But I can't... because that selfish, addicted prick happens to be 1/2 of the most important person in my life's DNA. So it's opening the hurt box over and over and over again. Tonight I took him to the train and said, just as he was getting out: "I think you're sociopathic in your disassociation from your emotions: I would do anything not to make what I said to you last week (that he gave up his daughter to point lights at shit) the truth. You just let it roll off you and smoke another joint, play another video game and download another porn. That said, you're not actively destroying anyone's life other than your own. You're not rebelling against me, or anastasia, so you're only hurting yourself at this point. Though sometimes I would like us to be a happy little family, my better judgment has to rule when it comes to her. Why that's not the same for you will always be a mystery to me."
So yeah. My life is complicated, I suppose. It's the time of year... those last throes of winter are often so hard to get through, so you end up taking it out on whoever's available and a good target. and he has been both lately. nvm that it's just about a year since he left me with a 5 month old and a sick mom to go and point lights at shit in Stratford. Not that easily forgivable, if you ask me.
It's spring, ergo I have crushes. (Someone told me I wasn't white trash because I used the word "ergo" on biome in the early days of UT. What I wanted to say at the time and didn't was that poor doesn't equal stupid.) I'm wondering if it's ethical to date one of my classmates, given the age difference. The other ones are on TA's so I'm not as worried about them, though they probably have ethical guidelines they have to follow, lest they be fired. And speaking of men, G. is pissing me off to no end... it's a girl! ....and a boy! Of all the immature, sesile, boring things he can do, he's started to smoke pot again. I feel like saying to him "Get the fuck out of my life, you selfish addicted prick." But I can't... because that selfish, addicted prick happens to be 1/2 of the most important person in my life's DNA. So it's opening the hurt box over and over and over again. Tonight I took him to the train and said, just as he was getting out: "I think you're sociopathic in your disassociation from your emotions: I would do anything not to make what I said to you last week (that he gave up his daughter to point lights at shit) the truth. You just let it roll off you and smoke another joint, play another video game and download another porn. That said, you're not actively destroying anyone's life other than your own. You're not rebelling against me, or anastasia, so you're only hurting yourself at this point. Though sometimes I would like us to be a happy little family, my better judgment has to rule when it comes to her. Why that's not the same for you will always be a mystery to me."
So yeah. My life is complicated, I suppose. It's the time of year... those last throes of winter are often so hard to get through, so you end up taking it out on whoever's available and a good target. and he has been both lately. nvm that it's just about a year since he left me with a 5 month old and a sick mom to go and point lights at shit in Stratford. Not that easily forgivable, if you ask me.
Friday, February 17, 2006
Hmm. Some thoughts.
On the first eve of the reading week (the whole nine days stretches out in front of me, just waiting to be filled with work) I have a bit of a contemplative head on, so I'm going to try to express them. I wrote a very depressing blog the night before my physics test, about how it feels to come face to face with maybe (just maybe) not being smart enough to survive at this venerable institution... test anxiety reigned supreme. So I was extremely thankful for that easy test. A 70 something is good. It means a 20% improvement in my test grades from the past ones. So, suffice to say, I feel better.
I'm someone who is always thinking. I've been thinking about what aspects of UT I've found the most difficult to adjust to and what aspects have been good. I think it's been most difficult to adjust to the fact that people see me for face value and grossly underestimate what I'm capable of. I'm a pretty intelligent person, all told. I was skipped two grades in elementary and highschool respectively, and always was enrolled in the enrichment programs. I never wanted that, however. I wanted desperately (especially after the move here from montreal and the first grade skipped) to be cool, popular, etc. so those were the things I always gravitated towards. It led to my dropping out in my last year of highschool and travelling the world, being a political activist, living in trees, drinking my face off, and generally trying mightily to conquer the "cool..."
Which will be a series of blogs when I ever get the time, but I digress. I wanted to talk about UT, and what's been difficult. When I got pregnant, I knew for the first time in my life exactly what I wanted to be, and exactly how I wanted to do it. Suddenly being cool was the least important thing on earth. Unfortunately this wasn't the case with my ex, who still had an obsession with being a certain way... which is why we eventually parted ways. All of a sudden I knew who I was... and started the long and sometimes painful journey of getting back to that person.
But, the ironies never cease.... I now find myself in a position where people don't in fact see me as the brain, but instead as a white trash single mom who has absolutely no business being at UT. UT is a pretty socially conservative place, all told. Many many students here feel that there is only one path to success, and that path consists of having as much privilege and pursuit as humanly possible. I'm not really able to fit into that mould, and likewise I'm no longer able to fit into that "downwardly mobile" politically active mould. I'm not a soccer mom, but neither am I a university student.... And as Deepayan emotes, I feel utterly schizophrenic sometimes.
In a place as big as UT, the stereotype rules... so what do you do if you defy all stereotypes? Win them over, one person at a time. Seem tiring? I think so.
On a second and possibly only partially related note: I need a boyfriend like I need a hole in the head. I have no time, no energy, and no ability to see anyone in my life in that capacity. I share my bed with Anastasia every night, and she wouldn't allow it, let alone my uncomfortable feelings about bringing someone new into my life who places their importance over her. SO WHY DOES EVERY BOY I ENCOUNTER ASSUME THAT I'M TRYING TO ROPE THEM INTO MARRIAGE???? For godsakes, I'm at UT to get an education, not get someone to support me.
That said, I have one hell of a competency crush on my Physics TA. lol
I'm someone who is always thinking. I've been thinking about what aspects of UT I've found the most difficult to adjust to and what aspects have been good. I think it's been most difficult to adjust to the fact that people see me for face value and grossly underestimate what I'm capable of. I'm a pretty intelligent person, all told. I was skipped two grades in elementary and highschool respectively, and always was enrolled in the enrichment programs. I never wanted that, however. I wanted desperately (especially after the move here from montreal and the first grade skipped) to be cool, popular, etc. so those were the things I always gravitated towards. It led to my dropping out in my last year of highschool and travelling the world, being a political activist, living in trees, drinking my face off, and generally trying mightily to conquer the "cool..."
Which will be a series of blogs when I ever get the time, but I digress. I wanted to talk about UT, and what's been difficult. When I got pregnant, I knew for the first time in my life exactly what I wanted to be, and exactly how I wanted to do it. Suddenly being cool was the least important thing on earth. Unfortunately this wasn't the case with my ex, who still had an obsession with being a certain way... which is why we eventually parted ways. All of a sudden I knew who I was... and started the long and sometimes painful journey of getting back to that person.
But, the ironies never cease.... I now find myself in a position where people don't in fact see me as the brain, but instead as a white trash single mom who has absolutely no business being at UT. UT is a pretty socially conservative place, all told. Many many students here feel that there is only one path to success, and that path consists of having as much privilege and pursuit as humanly possible. I'm not really able to fit into that mould, and likewise I'm no longer able to fit into that "downwardly mobile" politically active mould. I'm not a soccer mom, but neither am I a university student.... And as Deepayan emotes, I feel utterly schizophrenic sometimes.
In a place as big as UT, the stereotype rules... so what do you do if you defy all stereotypes? Win them over, one person at a time. Seem tiring? I think so.
On a second and possibly only partially related note: I need a boyfriend like I need a hole in the head. I have no time, no energy, and no ability to see anyone in my life in that capacity. I share my bed with Anastasia every night, and she wouldn't allow it, let alone my uncomfortable feelings about bringing someone new into my life who places their importance over her. SO WHY DOES EVERY BOY I ENCOUNTER ASSUME THAT I'M TRYING TO ROPE THEM INTO MARRIAGE???? For godsakes, I'm at UT to get an education, not get someone to support me.
That said, I have one hell of a competency crush on my Physics TA. lol
Saturday, February 04, 2006
You wouldn't Teach a Calculus Course this way....
so why are they teaching physics without a single worked example in class? I bought a book called “How to Solve Physics Problems” today, and all of a sudden, what I've been struggling with since september becomes utterly clear. Why? Because it's just worked examples. With explanations accompanying them.
It's utter madness imho that they think that teaching physics without worked examples is alright, or kosher, in any way shape or form. It's analogous to giving us lego in the lectures and expecting us to build a rocketship on the tests. People can succeed in this course, but only the people with the resources, time, and energy to go and scrounge up Titanium Carbide. They teach the concepts, but give us no direction whatsoever in terms of the problems we're expected to master. I try to do the problems they assign, but there is very little there in terms of “How to start this problem” or, How to put less than 3 hours of time into banging away at this problem in the hopes that you may at some point understand it.
Physics isn't a hard subject, if it's taught. BUT it's not taught! Unbelievable. It discriminates against the people without the time, resources and energy to work for hours and hours on it (I know I'm in a significant minority in terms of having a kid, but people with jobs are not, and people who commute are not) and it's taught in an arcane way that doesn't take into account the changing demography of university life today. We're given a 10 pound textbook on the assumption that we live in residence, so our home is on campus, and we're told to read, each and every week at least 25 pages out of it, most weeks more. Then we're expected to be able to teach ourselves the quantitative aspects of the course out of it, and only it, since worked examples are non existant in the lecture. Our grading is entirely based on quantitative analyses, rather than any concepts they may present to us in lecture. Our tutorials are mindless busywork that keep us NOT ASKING QUESTIONS for the duration. And the physics help sessions are generally pretty unhelpful.
There are easy ways and difficult ways to go about just about every problem in physics. If they were actually interested in having us successfully learn their subject, rather than having the GPA at a certain point, they would just get along with teaching us the easy way.
Ok. that's my rant. I'm done. It's been a good 15 minute break. Back to physics now. :P
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Random thoughts for a Tuesday morning....
I felt like screaming in Con hall yesterday. You know what i felt like screaming? "All of you assholes that want to be doctors and can't even muster up enough compassion to treat each other like human beings, let alone give the Prof the respect she deserves to be listened to!!!"
This is why I take effexor.
I am so thankful for the people without hidden agendas in my life, (you know who you are) and so dubious of the people who do have them. This dude added me to his MSN and got me talking one evening... and ever since then has decided it's his own personal mission to save me. I don't need saving. It's him that needs saving.... from this brainwashed born again morality play that says anyone who doesn't think exactly like him is shit.
There seems to be fewer and fewer moderates that I encounter on a daily basis. Why is extremism rearing its ugly head more often, I'll never know.
Then again, there are very few people who would accuse me of being a moderate.
I wonder if I've majorly screwed myself when it comes to my education by coming here for the program I've chosen. It was (and still is) a risk, as it doesn't lead to anything tangible at the end. At least with an RN I know that I can get a job after four years. This life science distinction doesn't mean a whole lot... so I wonder if this is going to get me nothing but 80 000 dollars of debt at the end. At the end of second year it will be more clear, I think... and if I still suspect as much, it's only a matter of transferring and doing 18 months to become a nurse... nice, safe, nursing. Good place for me -- out of the way, typical, easily quantifiable to my peers, can't kick up a lot of fuss and even if I did, not listened to because I'm "just a nurse." Not that I'd ever be happy being that complacent, but hey....
I wanted for years to do a photo shoot of "squat toilets of europe" ala those "Doors of Ireland" posters that you see in poshy hippies houses....
K, must go struggle with physics for several hours now. This has been a good procrastination exercise, but like all good things, it must come to an end. :)
I felt like screaming in Con hall yesterday. You know what i felt like screaming? "All of you assholes that want to be doctors and can't even muster up enough compassion to treat each other like human beings, let alone give the Prof the respect she deserves to be listened to!!!"
This is why I take effexor.
I am so thankful for the people without hidden agendas in my life, (you know who you are) and so dubious of the people who do have them. This dude added me to his MSN and got me talking one evening... and ever since then has decided it's his own personal mission to save me. I don't need saving. It's him that needs saving.... from this brainwashed born again morality play that says anyone who doesn't think exactly like him is shit.
There seems to be fewer and fewer moderates that I encounter on a daily basis. Why is extremism rearing its ugly head more often, I'll never know.
Then again, there are very few people who would accuse me of being a moderate.
I wonder if I've majorly screwed myself when it comes to my education by coming here for the program I've chosen. It was (and still is) a risk, as it doesn't lead to anything tangible at the end. At least with an RN I know that I can get a job after four years. This life science distinction doesn't mean a whole lot... so I wonder if this is going to get me nothing but 80 000 dollars of debt at the end. At the end of second year it will be more clear, I think... and if I still suspect as much, it's only a matter of transferring and doing 18 months to become a nurse... nice, safe, nursing. Good place for me -- out of the way, typical, easily quantifiable to my peers, can't kick up a lot of fuss and even if I did, not listened to because I'm "just a nurse." Not that I'd ever be happy being that complacent, but hey....
I wanted for years to do a photo shoot of "squat toilets of europe" ala those "Doors of Ireland" posters that you see in poshy hippies houses....
K, must go struggle with physics for several hours now. This has been a good procrastination exercise, but like all good things, it must come to an end. :)
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Why my daughter is one of the strangest kids in the world....
I know everyone has funny little kid stories, but Anastasia has a few things that set her apart. First of all, she eats hair. She can't go to bed without a hair in her mouth. I keep on telling myself she's going to grow out of it, but she's almost 18 months and it's still going strong. I had to get her one of those dollar store hairpieces because I was developing a bald spot from her ripping out hair from my widow's peak. If you were ever wondering why my hair looks the way it does, that's why. Secondly, she pretends to sleep on the bottom stair. I don't know why she thinks this is a good place to sleep, but apparently it is the perfect place for her to pretend to sleep. And I'm not talking about once, or for a couple of minutes. This is a theme. She does it every time she goes past the stairs, for several minutes. She'll have her bottle, and insist that I hang my head over so she can play with my hair. Weird, weird, weird. Third, when she's in the bath, she'll dump ice cold water on herself. Then laugh. She loves to be cold, far more than she likes to be warm. She can't stand blankets and will kick anything I put onto her off. Fourth, and last, she doesn't have tastes like other babies. She loves anything strong tasting. She will drink lemon juice straight, if I let her. She adores Clamato juice and smoked salmon. Pickles are for her. She, and this is no word of a lie, had more of an adverse reaction to her first banana than to her first dill pickle.
I have a weird little daughter. But that's ok... it keeps it interesting. :)
I have a weird little daughter. But that's ok... it keeps it interesting. :)
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
story of my life...
Ok. So I go to this Time Management Seminar for parents, through counselling and learning skills service. Show up a little bit early, no one is there. sit my butt down, pull out my day planner, and start writing stuff down. This is the makeup of the room: there is one young-ish woman sitting with a little boy, spoonfeeding him some lunch. There's a pregnant woman sitting up at the head of the room, and there's an older woman sitting close to her. I figured that the pregnant woman and the woman with the kid were both students, there for the seminar. I think "well, it's a bit of a small group, but that's ok..." Then another woman walks in, and sits down.
So, then the woman who is heavily pregnant speaks up. "Well, I guess we're just about ready to begin. Can we go around and introduce ourselves?" The woman with the kid introduces herself as the woman who is running the time management seminar, and the older woman and the pregnant woman introduce themselves as from the family care office. So I'm still thinking that the last woman that came in is a potential parent... so I say to her: "You go first."
She introduces herself. "Well, I'm a fourth year PhD student, and I don't actually have any children, but I was wondering how people would be able to balance school and children... because I was thinking about having children in the future, and I want to be prepared."
Uh huh. Not only is she probably younger than me, she is infinitely more educated than me and is just doing this to plan ahead. Typical overachieving UT student that can't leave anything up to chance, I guess.
Cut the camera to me. With the snot on my shoulders, and the halo of motherhood that I call my rats' nest of a hairdo, the dark circles under my eyes and my inability to utter a sentence without mentioning my daughter... the most meaningful conversations I have nowadays are about the loggy loggy log and the bear in the big blue house going potty... me, in my "doing the best I can" life, is all of a sudden put on the spot as the only ACTUAL parent needing time management. What is perhaps, a bit ironic, is that I have pretty good time management skills already. It was utterly necessary for me to develop them. So, their time management seminar was useless for the most part, as I just wanted to meet some other parents on campus and succeeded in not meeting a single one. What I did manage to do was depress myself.
What's worse, perhaps is the next person that makes the mistake of talking to me is Ishraq -- he probably thinks I'm shit off nuts, because I just unloaded on him. He was looking at me like "who is this freak, and why is she telling me this?" Which I can't blame him for... lol
So, then the woman who is heavily pregnant speaks up. "Well, I guess we're just about ready to begin. Can we go around and introduce ourselves?" The woman with the kid introduces herself as the woman who is running the time management seminar, and the older woman and the pregnant woman introduce themselves as from the family care office. So I'm still thinking that the last woman that came in is a potential parent... so I say to her: "You go first."
She introduces herself. "Well, I'm a fourth year PhD student, and I don't actually have any children, but I was wondering how people would be able to balance school and children... because I was thinking about having children in the future, and I want to be prepared."
Uh huh. Not only is she probably younger than me, she is infinitely more educated than me and is just doing this to plan ahead. Typical overachieving UT student that can't leave anything up to chance, I guess.
Cut the camera to me. With the snot on my shoulders, and the halo of motherhood that I call my rats' nest of a hairdo, the dark circles under my eyes and my inability to utter a sentence without mentioning my daughter... the most meaningful conversations I have nowadays are about the loggy loggy log and the bear in the big blue house going potty... me, in my "doing the best I can" life, is all of a sudden put on the spot as the only ACTUAL parent needing time management. What is perhaps, a bit ironic, is that I have pretty good time management skills already. It was utterly necessary for me to develop them. So, their time management seminar was useless for the most part, as I just wanted to meet some other parents on campus and succeeded in not meeting a single one. What I did manage to do was depress myself.
What's worse, perhaps is the next person that makes the mistake of talking to me is Ishraq -- he probably thinks I'm shit off nuts, because I just unloaded on him. He was looking at me like "who is this freak, and why is she telling me this?" Which I can't blame him for... lol
Monday, January 16, 2006
The most surprising things about U of T were:
1. The rampant conservativism of the people that go there.
2. The inability of most of the teachers to teach.
3. For a whole lot of really smart people, most act really stupidly when it comes to competitiveness.
4. The amount of work.
5. The mutant squirrels which I'm sure are bred somewhere in the bowels of RW.
2. The inability of most of the teachers to teach.
3. For a whole lot of really smart people, most act really stupidly when it comes to competitiveness.
4. The amount of work.
5. The mutant squirrels which I'm sure are bred somewhere in the bowels of RW.
Friday, January 13, 2006
*sigh* Somedays it's hard not to lose faith.
Well, at least I can do this well.
I wrote what I thought was a kickass midterm for my seminar course, "Women, Gender and Work". I figured A-, because they can't give out that great grades, and I knew my arguments weren't as fantastic as they could have been. That said, I felt like I nailed it, so much so that I was confident enough to leave a 1/2 hour early.
Got it back today. B. I know that seems like a good mark, but it was very disappointing. I don't understand how you can lose 25% of your mark for three run on sentences and one erroneous abbreviation of the word "position." In the marker's own words: Good essay! Your ideas were very easy to follow and well supported."
Ok yes. niggling shite that I shouldn't worry about, but still makes me mad. The prof himself came up to me and said: "this should be higher." I stared at him blankly and said, "yes, it should be higher." As in: why the hell don't you change it? I don't get upset with marks very often, but this one felt very unfair.
I guess in the quantitative courses I'm taking, I feel like I'm able to accept the fact that, when it comes right down to it, I didn't know the answer. I can see the motivation behind giving hard exams, because it pushes you to study harder and have a greater understanding of the course material. But when you do your best (as I try always to do) and it's not good enough to nail something you feel you have a very fundamental understanding of.... well, it cuts deeper, I suppose.
Ah well. Must run and catch a train now.
Later...
And let this be a lesson to me... Don't forget to take my effexor in January. :) I was really, unambigously upset, moreso than I have been since I've come to UT over that midterm. I was crying on the train on the way home... and I was super thirsty, too... and had a headache, and a dry throat... wait a sec? Did I take my drugs this morning? nope... HA. Gives me some perspective and a reason why I'm crying over a freakin B.... lol
I wrote what I thought was a kickass midterm for my seminar course, "Women, Gender and Work". I figured A-, because they can't give out that great grades, and I knew my arguments weren't as fantastic as they could have been. That said, I felt like I nailed it, so much so that I was confident enough to leave a 1/2 hour early.
Got it back today. B. I know that seems like a good mark, but it was very disappointing. I don't understand how you can lose 25% of your mark for three run on sentences and one erroneous abbreviation of the word "position." In the marker's own words: Good essay! Your ideas were very easy to follow and well supported."
Ok yes. niggling shite that I shouldn't worry about, but still makes me mad. The prof himself came up to me and said: "this should be higher." I stared at him blankly and said, "yes, it should be higher." As in: why the hell don't you change it? I don't get upset with marks very often, but this one felt very unfair.
I guess in the quantitative courses I'm taking, I feel like I'm able to accept the fact that, when it comes right down to it, I didn't know the answer. I can see the motivation behind giving hard exams, because it pushes you to study harder and have a greater understanding of the course material. But when you do your best (as I try always to do) and it's not good enough to nail something you feel you have a very fundamental understanding of.... well, it cuts deeper, I suppose.
Ah well. Must run and catch a train now.
Later...
And let this be a lesson to me... Don't forget to take my effexor in January. :) I was really, unambigously upset, moreso than I have been since I've come to UT over that midterm. I was crying on the train on the way home... and I was super thirsty, too... and had a headache, and a dry throat... wait a sec? Did I take my drugs this morning? nope... HA. Gives me some perspective and a reason why I'm crying over a freakin B.... lol
Monday, January 09, 2006
Ten Reasons why Canada is Better than Switzerland
1. Space.
2. You don't feel like you're going to die every time you go for a drive.
3. Extra large all dressed pizza in Switzerland = 75$
4. Salt on the roads (I would normally be against this, but after driving down a mountain with none, and it being covered with 3 inches of ice, I kinda like it)
5. No oompa music
6. Nicer people in Canada.
7. Space.
8. Women didn't get the vote until 1971 (No, that isn't a typo.)
9. Clocks BONGING, DINGING, RINGING, constantly.
10. Not so anal about shoes being in a neat row here.
2. You don't feel like you're going to die every time you go for a drive.
3. Extra large all dressed pizza in Switzerland = 75$
4. Salt on the roads (I would normally be against this, but after driving down a mountain with none, and it being covered with 3 inches of ice, I kinda like it)
5. No oompa music
6. Nicer people in Canada.
7. Space.
8. Women didn't get the vote until 1971 (No, that isn't a typo.)
9. Clocks BONGING, DINGING, RINGING, constantly.
10. Not so anal about shoes being in a neat row here.
Ten Reasons why Switzerland is Better than Canada
1. Mountains.
2. Factory work = 4000$ a month, minimum
3. Solar panels. Everywhere.
4. Only 14 chemicals (TOTAL) allowed in food.
5. Chocolate has minimum cocoa content.
6. Mountains.
7. Fantastic social programs.
8. You can drive for an hour and be in a completely different climate
9. You can wait for an hour and be in a completely different weather system
10. Fantastic eco management.
2. Factory work = 4000$ a month, minimum
3. Solar panels. Everywhere.
4. Only 14 chemicals (TOTAL) allowed in food.
5. Chocolate has minimum cocoa content.
6. Mountains.
7. Fantastic social programs.
8. You can drive for an hour and be in a completely different climate
9. You can wait for an hour and be in a completely different weather system
10. Fantastic eco management.
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Yet another thing to waste time with...
I've tried doing one of these things before, but they always turn into extremely depressing missives about my lack of social graces and dreary posts about how I miss this that or the other. Why I think this will be different, I have no idea... but I never really had a ready made audience the way I do now... presto, change-o, biome becomes my own personal sounding board. Not that it wasn't already.
But yes. I do admit to scrolling through Noaman, Deepayan, and Shankar's blogs... and wanting to do some writing of my own because of the inspiration that I've drawn from them. As well, there are very few people I can talk to about what my life has been like over the past 4 months who could even hope to have a modicum of understanding, so this may be a more productive outlet.
Some stuff:
1. Why, when people ask about getting into medschool, do they very rarely (I've never witnessed it myself) ask what the make up of the people who are there is? This is what drives me crazy with curiosity: do most of them come from families with doctors? Are most of them rich? Do any of them have life experiences not relating to tailoring themselves for the most ivory of the ivory towers? Are those things valued in the slightest? The answers are probably hard to find out (privilege rarely flaps its lips about itself) and I'm suspicious that I already know them.... or at least have preconceived notions that may need tearing down.
2. I think I've figured out why UT is so tough. It's something I've turned around in my head trying to come to an understanding about it more than, perhaps, I've spent on my schoolwork this semester... It comes, not to a "Survival of the Fittest" conclusion (like most first years seem to immediately want to apply) but one of simple economics: UT gets 4 times the amount of tuition money from an international student as from a domestic one. The federal funding has been cut drastically to higher education in recent years, so they don't get as much from the government, either. They are a well known school internationally, so they can afford to market themselves to an international audience, and must keep to a certain standard so they continue to be attractive to international applicants. International schooling standards are higher than Canadian ones, hence, UT's educational standards have to be higher than your average Canadian Postsecondary in order not to be considered a joke school. All of this is extrapolated (rather without basis, I must admit) from a conversation that I had with a friend of mine from mat135 that went something like this:
M: our mathclass is a bit of an odd mix of people, don't you think?
A: Yeah... it's like there's no middle ground at all
M: Half of them look like they're bored to tears and the other half look like they're completely out of their depth... I'm glad I took the basic math in Switzerland, otherwise I would look completely bored to tears myself...
and that got it stirring... Then I looked back at some of the posts I took so much offense to in early bioming days... and they all said similar things (though not in very nice terms) about India's school system.
So, the question is... why is our educational system treating us like morons?
I have an answer, too (shortly: because it serves them well to do so) but that will have to be for another day.
But yes. I do admit to scrolling through Noaman, Deepayan, and Shankar's blogs... and wanting to do some writing of my own because of the inspiration that I've drawn from them. As well, there are very few people I can talk to about what my life has been like over the past 4 months who could even hope to have a modicum of understanding, so this may be a more productive outlet.
Some stuff:
1. Why, when people ask about getting into medschool, do they very rarely (I've never witnessed it myself) ask what the make up of the people who are there is? This is what drives me crazy with curiosity: do most of them come from families with doctors? Are most of them rich? Do any of them have life experiences not relating to tailoring themselves for the most ivory of the ivory towers? Are those things valued in the slightest? The answers are probably hard to find out (privilege rarely flaps its lips about itself) and I'm suspicious that I already know them.... or at least have preconceived notions that may need tearing down.
2. I think I've figured out why UT is so tough. It's something I've turned around in my head trying to come to an understanding about it more than, perhaps, I've spent on my schoolwork this semester... It comes, not to a "Survival of the Fittest" conclusion (like most first years seem to immediately want to apply) but one of simple economics: UT gets 4 times the amount of tuition money from an international student as from a domestic one. The federal funding has been cut drastically to higher education in recent years, so they don't get as much from the government, either. They are a well known school internationally, so they can afford to market themselves to an international audience, and must keep to a certain standard so they continue to be attractive to international applicants. International schooling standards are higher than Canadian ones, hence, UT's educational standards have to be higher than your average Canadian Postsecondary in order not to be considered a joke school. All of this is extrapolated (rather without basis, I must admit) from a conversation that I had with a friend of mine from mat135 that went something like this:
M: our mathclass is a bit of an odd mix of people, don't you think?
A: Yeah... it's like there's no middle ground at all
M: Half of them look like they're bored to tears and the other half look like they're completely out of their depth... I'm glad I took the basic math in Switzerland, otherwise I would look completely bored to tears myself...
and that got it stirring... Then I looked back at some of the posts I took so much offense to in early bioming days... and they all said similar things (though not in very nice terms) about India's school system.
So, the question is... why is our educational system treating us like morons?
I have an answer, too (shortly: because it serves them well to do so) but that will have to be for another day.
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