Hmm. Some thoughts.

On the first eve of the reading week (the whole nine days stretches out in front of me, just waiting to be filled with work) I have a bit of a contemplative head on, so I'm going to try to express them. I wrote a very depressing blog the night before my physics test, about how it feels to come face to face with maybe (just maybe) not being smart enough to survive at this venerable institution... test anxiety reigned supreme. So I was extremely thankful for that easy test. A 70 something is good. It means a 20% improvement in my test grades from the past ones. So, suffice to say, I feel better.

I'm someone who is always thinking. I've been thinking about what aspects of UT I've found the most difficult to adjust to and what aspects have been good. I think it's been most difficult to adjust to the fact that people see me for face value and grossly underestimate what I'm capable of. I'm a pretty intelligent person, all told. I was skipped two grades in elementary and highschool respectively, and always was enrolled in the enrichment programs. I never wanted that, however. I wanted desperately (especially after the move here from montreal and the first grade skipped) to be cool, popular, etc. so those were the things I always gravitated towards. It led to my dropping out in my last year of highschool and travelling the world, being a political activist, living in trees, drinking my face off, and generally trying mightily to conquer the "cool..."

Which will be a series of blogs when I ever get the time, but I digress. I wanted to talk about UT, and what's been difficult. When I got pregnant, I knew for the first time in my life exactly what I wanted to be, and exactly how I wanted to do it. Suddenly being cool was the least important thing on earth. Unfortunately this wasn't the case with my ex, who still had an obsession with being a certain way... which is why we eventually parted ways. All of a sudden I knew who I was... and started the long and sometimes painful journey of getting back to that person.

But, the ironies never cease.... I now find myself in a position where people don't in fact see me as the brain, but instead as a white trash single mom who has absolutely no business being at UT. UT is a pretty socially conservative place, all told. Many many students here feel that there is only one path to success, and that path consists of having as much privilege and pursuit as humanly possible. I'm not really able to fit into that mould, and likewise I'm no longer able to fit into that "downwardly mobile" politically active mould. I'm not a soccer mom, but neither am I a university student.... And as Deepayan emotes, I feel utterly schizophrenic sometimes.

In a place as big as UT, the stereotype rules... so what do you do if you defy all stereotypes? Win them over, one person at a time. Seem tiring? I think so.

On a second and possibly only partially related note: I need a boyfriend like I need a hole in the head. I have no time, no energy, and no ability to see anyone in my life in that capacity. I share my bed with Anastasia every night, and she wouldn't allow it, let alone my uncomfortable feelings about bringing someone new into my life who places their importance over her. SO WHY DOES EVERY BOY I ENCOUNTER ASSUME THAT I'M TRYING TO ROPE THEM INTO MARRIAGE???? For godsakes, I'm at UT to get an education, not get someone to support me.

That said, I have one hell of a competency crush on my Physics TA. lol

You wouldn't Teach a Calculus Course this way....

so why are they teaching physics without a single worked example in class? I bought a book called “How to Solve Physics Problems” today, and all of a sudden, what I've been struggling with since september becomes utterly clear. Why? Because it's just worked examples. With explanations accompanying them.

It's utter madness imho that they think that teaching physics without worked examples is alright, or kosher, in any way shape or form. It's analogous to giving us lego in the lectures and expecting us to build a rocketship on the tests. People can succeed in this course, but only the people with the resources, time, and energy to go and scrounge up Titanium Carbide. They teach the concepts, but give us no direction whatsoever in terms of the problems we're expected to master. I try to do the problems they assign, but there is very little there in terms of “How to start this problem” or, How to put less than 3 hours of time into banging away at this problem in the hopes that you may at some point understand it.

Physics isn't a hard subject, if it's taught. BUT it's not taught! Unbelievable. It discriminates against the people without the time, resources and energy to work for hours and hours on it (I know I'm in a significant minority in terms of having a kid, but people with jobs are not, and people who commute are not) and it's taught in an arcane way that doesn't take into account the changing demography of university life today. We're given a 10 pound textbook on the assumption that we live in residence, so our home is on campus, and we're told to read, each and every week at least 25 pages out of it, most weeks more. Then we're expected to be able to teach ourselves the quantitative aspects of the course out of it, and only it, since worked examples are non existant in the lecture. Our grading is entirely based on quantitative analyses, rather than any concepts they may present to us in lecture. Our tutorials are mindless busywork that keep us NOT ASKING QUESTIONS for the duration. And the physics help sessions are generally pretty unhelpful.

There are easy ways and difficult ways to go about just about every problem in physics. If they were actually interested in having us successfully learn their subject, rather than having the GPA at a certain point, they would just get along with teaching us the easy way.

Ok. that's my rant. I'm done. It's been a good 15 minute break. Back to physics now. :P