Potty Training and Perfection in Parenting: Like your sh*t dont stink

I was reading an article in some waiting room magazine the other day about a woman who trains your children on the potty for you. Its a 4-6 hour session based loosely on the ideas of a book called Potty Training in One day, or something like that. She calls it booty camp. Now, get this: She charges 250 bucks a pop for the supposed privilege of feeding your child copious amounts of candy, pop and other crap (chips are salty and 'draw water into the bowel'), takes their diaper away, and insists that if they have any accidents they clean them up themselves.

The article asks whether this is endemic of parents having not enough time, or beliefs that everything has to be perfect in terms of parenting - both contributing factors in my opinion. But, speaking as someone who suffered through 18 months (!) of constipation and primary encoporesis (look it up) due to potty related angst, by about a year into it, I would have paid ANY amount of money in order to have her pooping normally. She's ok now, thankfully, the (ahem) 'penny' finally dropped when she was about 3 ½, but while it was going on, I felt kind of like that day-glo abortions song “the only thing I ever talk about is poo”. I did feel like a horrible mum. I tried everything to get her to “go”: feeding her basically a liquid diet for weeks at a time, nothing but soft fruits and veggies, no rice, no grains, no white foods, no meats... then, it was the childrens laxative drops. Olive oil. Milk of Magnesia. Fibre chews. Bowel buddy cookies. When that didnt work, I asked my doctor. He put her on a low dose lactulose solution, which did not really make one lick of difference. Then the bribery started. Candy. Presents. Smarties for the Smarty that uses the potty. Positive reinforcement. Negative consequences. threats, cajoling, begging. Taking the diaper away, giving it back, buying her big girl underwear, letting her run aroud naked. Giving her privacy, staying with her. making her sit on the potty for hours, leaving it in the middle of the living room for weeks on end, and (to my therapists horror) glycerin suppositories when I was at my wits end and she hadnt pooped in weeks to months. The biggest problem was that she held back – she would squeeze her little buttcheeks together and refuse to let it out – at one point I had a book called “everyone poops” and she asserted that she didn't.

“Boo, everyone poops – look, whales poop, horsies poop, bunnies poop, fishies poop, mummies poop, etc etc”
“I DONT POOP!!!”

Theres no real arguing with a 2 year old, of course.

But this is a common experience, apparently – one in five kids have chronic childhood constipation and primary encoporesis. The little girl that lives across the street from us was in a pull up until 6 because of it. We decided that we would keep her out of jk if it didnt resolve itself, we pulled her out of pre-school because of it. What I did feel, during the entire experience, was very judged: she must have developmental or emotional problems because she won't have a bm. This of course wouldnt be the case with the kid across the street, but then they are homeowners (the boo calls them “home ogres”) and not some single student mother. It must be because I've screwed it up somehow, right? The explanation was actually much simpler than this – she had a bad bout of constipation over the holidays when she was 2, and it hurt, and she was scared to poop from that point onwards, which compounded the problem. You know, I know Im not the best mom in the world, I make mistakes all the time. I think its ridiculous to pretend that you are a perfect parent, because hey, parents are human. They get tired, cranky, agitated, morose, etc etc etc... but I do the best I can do.

Anyways, it ended as quickly as it had begun – she decided one day that she would poop on the potty, did it, and never stopped doing it again. But rather than pay someone to do it for you, I think parents have to learn how to ride it out. There are always going to be difficult parts, the saga of the boo's toilet training was definitely a cake topper thus far (the parents with teenagers are laughing at me now, I know, because I know for a fact that I aint seen nothing yet) but how far does this delegation of responsibility go? In the end it was just a matter of being patient with a very icky situation and waiting it out.

That is the nice thing about parenting. What I feel like its taught me is how not to give up – I was one of those middle class kids that grew up in a culture of instant gratification – if I didnt get it immediately, Id give up. With children, you cant exactly leave them at the curb when it gets hard. And no matter how many times you make mistakes, you have to live with the consequences. Thankfully, most of the time, because of that damn instinct thing, the mistakes are generally pretty minor and consequences arent that bad. My daughter may grow up to be an anal retentive, but you know? Im a control freak too, and so is my mom, and so is her father. I would have a very hard time attributing a type A personality in her to mistakes I made while toilet training – the mistakes I make in the rest of her upbringing, sure. But not that.

So I guess what Im saying is go easy on yourself. It sucks, and sometimes it takes a long time. But sometimes its just a matter of being patient. I reckon that probably applies to a lot of things about child rearing, heh. Its been about 8 months now since she understood it, and I still am grateful for every single poo. Now if that isnt being a good mom, I dunno what is. :P