Want to make god laugh? tell him your plans.

Ontario post-secondary education history revisited - thestar.com

2009-11-02T10:47:00.000-05:00

Ontario post-secondary education history revisited - thestar.com

Holy mother of God, this makes me angry.

Speaking as one of the few students that saw it from both sides of the cuts to education (I dropped out in 1996 and returned to high school in 2004) I can tell you that Harris utterly, completely, gutted and destroyed secondary school in this province. The lessons got easier to learn, sure. Good for the standardized testing #s. Not good, in fact just about the worst possible thing, once you get to university. That's how I can get a 94 in grade 12 university physics and a 64 in first year university physics - not for not trying. Thats why more and more universities are instituting their own remedial courses (that instead of being free like OAC or grade 13 was, you now have to pay through the nose for). That's why my own students, now, as a TA, struggle with basic concepts that they should have covered in high school. University has had to go through an entire dumbing down process in order to compensate for secondary school being so poorly executed nowadays. And that is NOT the fault of the teachers - they are still doing the best that they can, with far less, and bad textbooks, and less prep time, and more students. Having gone to a university with a large proportion of international students, I can tell you that our secondary students are graduating with a fraction of the knowledge that they have.

My mother is a teacher. She still spits when she hears Mike Harris's name.

Well, Im definitely thinking again...

2009-09-25T09:39:00.002-04:00

We forget that as white people we also have traditional ecological knowledge. We forget that it isn't the race that's the problem, its industrialisation, living indoors, advertising, and capitalism thats the problem. We look to other cultures to solve our problems and we end up bastardizing and co-opting the same things that we mean to preserve and cherish. Its a western problem, there has to be western solutions, otherwise we just end up polluting other cultures with our collective fucked up colonial attitudes and colonizing decolonization. How can someone want to deschool? As a freakin graduate student? Really? Well then, quit school. That'll deschool you pretty well. How can you dictate for others what you yourself have already gone through and benefited from? Where does that come from? What does that do? And do you realize the grave responsibility you wield when you say that? My daughter grows up in a materialistic, gendered, clearly consumerist capitalist world. She does that because she HAS TO. If she grows up in the bubble of deschooling/homeschooling/selfschooling, she lacks the skills to deal with the “real world”. We forget that we are first social animals. If we don't make sense to our social groupings especially as children, we are maladapted to life on this planet. It creates grief and unhappiness. We are creatures of conforming. People who don't end up like Levi, shot by OPP for being unable to live in society. Someone who just wanted to be left alone.

Its astonishing how much grief has been racked up over the years. Grief of incarceration, grief of clear cut, grief of concussion and brain damage, maiming and dismemberment, grief of death in Chiapas, grief of squats evicted, losing people, losing touch, child abuse, seams coming apart on already tenuous experiences of life, vulnerability, susceptibility, anxiety that seemed so prevalent in that clan. Grief of loss of enthusiasm, wonder, life, energy, creation, creativity, all going up in smoke and flames and molotov cocktails, percussion bombs and tear gas canisters and beatings. Grief of brutal, brutal beatings sustained by gentle, gentle people. And grief caused by the realization that we experience so little of what so many other people experience that we think we are justified in a moral and righteous outrage when it happens to us. Grief of privilege.

Deschooling can only exist in relation to schooling. Otherwise all you create is a less educated person. A less educated person has less power to change things because they must necessarily spend more time surviving. To learn is to thrive.

Now for my bi-yearly contribution...

2009-09-19T11:48:00.003-04:00

A stream of consciousness writing that was spurred by a class in Environmental Education. It's a challenging space for me to be in. It'll be good eventually, but its definitely me rubbing up against some former boundaries...

...This strange and fascinating experience of being on the other side. once told to quit school to avoid the hegemony of higher education, by people who then went on to do their masters and doctorates and law school, now I am facing these same people in their privileged ivory towers and claiming myself the same title of privilege that I once eschewed. You live long enough and you do play all the parts but Bookchin was someone I thought was long dead in my past (I hated the old bastard anyways). The anger that comes up when looking at a 6 page article infused with crap language that makes it inaccessible and therefore irrelevant to so many people and seeing for the first time that it was a pride of understanding and not an elitist attitude that I encountered so many times. Counter hegemony. I still don't understand exactly what that word means, and I wonder what happened to that guy that formed my first embryonic class analysis by making fun of the cop for not understanding his chalk graffiti in Kingston. My experience is steeped in, well, experience. I am a natural story teller, it is how I negotiate the world. I get it from my father who always, for every situation, “had a friend” when I was growing up, usually to convey precautionary tales of what I should and should not do. I believe in the concrete and the ordinary, things I can touch, I can see, smell, taste and hear. The privilege of directional hearing, being so easily able to identify and label sounds as if it were nothing, because it is nothing, absolutely nothing to us, something that takes the entirety of his concentration and fatigues him greatly we can do without thinking twice about. My cyborg, my man machine my reason to finally come to terms with technology and embrace rather than despise it. The reason why in my mind the answer to a technocratic society has to be a rather sheepish but emphatic yes. We need the computer, the phone, the screen to interface. The texting must go on, our relationship would be non existent but for IM. There is a reason to embrace or at least make peace with it.

Death and Facebook

2009-07-26T22:49:00.003-04:00

I found out that an old friend was shot to death by the OPP about 3 weeks ago, way up north in Pickle Lake. I found out about this the same way I have found out about many deaths of people that I knew/know - over facebook.

It is fascinating, really.

Peter said to me a couple of weeks ago, considering between the two of us, there have been about a half dozen deaths of people we knew once upon a time - shouldnt this be happening in our sixties? Not thirties? But the reality is, is that even though I don't speak to the majority of the people on my friend list, they are all there for a reason - that is, I know them. Or knew them. A small minority I only knew online, but most of them in person, at least to the extent of being friendly. Now, considering that this is the first generation that has the ability to stay in touch with friends from every part of their lives (I have people on my list I was friends with in childhood, haven't seen in person since we were both 6 years old, and was out of touch with until last year), it stands to reason that we hear - through the grapevine, through friends of friends, through whatever means, when someone dies. Had it not been for facebook, I wouldnt have known about Brad Will, and probably would have only heard about Levi much later on, in passing. So in a way, these social networking sites bring us closer to death.

Is this a good thing? Honestly? I think yes. Death is as much a part of life as, well, birth is. And yet we willfully ignore, sanitize and hush it up in this culture - we try to keep it as far away from us as possible. As a consequence, people dont know how to react, dont know if they are justified in their grief, dont observe important rituals that are able to allow us to cope with it. We are terrified of death.

The only way, of course, to get rid of a fear, is to face it. Facebook, in a weird way, helps us get accustomed to the idea of death and tragedy. Of course, it also spreads a lot of joy around too - I have lost track of the amount of people that I have found out are pregnant over facebook, heh. I have friends all over the world, so reading the obits doesnt do it (though it is a past time I highly recommend, for reasons detailed here and as a reminder to enjoy life, as it is very very short.)

wow.

2009-03-26T22:58:00.002-04:00

Four years ago at this time, I was a 26 year old highschool student with a 5 month old at home, waiting to hear back from universities as to whether or not I could go there.

Today, I got accepted into the MES at York University. I am officially a graduate student.

That is so, so, SO cool.

Existential Angst is meeeeeeee...

2009-01-15T16:53:00.003-05:00

Well, damn, I'm closing in on the last 6 months of my undergraduate degree. Of course the question is, what on earth do I do now???

I've worked so hard over the last four years, just gotten my nose down to the grind and pushed myself to make it through. Despite all nighters, being puked on, or screaming due to teething, with the Boo. Despite my mom nearly dying due to Necrotizing Fascitis. Despite a custody battle. Despite a total retooling of the diet made necessary by severe illness. Despite depression. Despite a low self esteem. Despite never having any time off ever to do anything. Despite insomnia. Despite devastating and unexpected death. Despite life, in short.

So now what? Grad school? Med school? Law school? Michener Institute? Victory Lap? Work force? Volunteering? College?

Can I go back to first year, please? I've seen reality, and I don't like how it looks.

Two more sleeps!

2008-12-10T15:26:00.003-05:00

Then I'm done.

The major difference between fourth year and first year was illustrated to me yesterday. I had an exam yesterday. It snowed yesterday. Instead of feeling like I didn't have the time or energy to concentrate on anything but my exam, I went out and built a rockin good snowman with the boo.

Its all relative, you know? That half hour crawling around in the snow probably did far more for my state of mind than a half hour studying the 12 links of dependent origination. Im glad that I can have enough perspective about where on the importance scale things lie now. Just in time to graduate, heh. Thats not to say that I wasnt fully prepared for the exam, of course - just that I knew for a fact that I could take a bit of time and it wouldnt make much of a difference, and more importantly that I could enjoy that time while I was having it because I knew that school was school, and school needs to be put in perspective.

I started getting all anxietal about the exam at about 4 pm in the afternoon yesterday, but then I realized that it actually wasnt the exam I was feeling wound up about at all - it was all the stuff that goes along with the exam, all the embellishment and meaning that I add to it - ie "If I dont do well on the exam, then I dont get a good mark, if I dont get a good mark, I dont get into grad school, if I dont get into grad school, I wont be able to get a job in these tough economic times, blah blah blah blah blah... " and then I realized that it wasnt the exam itself I was being freaked out about, it was my future. And the thing with the future is that it just hasnt happened yet, so no use being upset about it.

Now, I'm gonna go back and attack the second half of my environmental bio course. Whee!

As a post script, after the exam I texted my partner and said to him "its weird not feeling all stressed out about stuff." He reassured me that he had faith in my ability to find something. :P

Potty Training and Perfection in Parenting: Like your sh*t dont stink

2008-11-26T00:14:00.002-05:00

I was reading an article in some waiting room magazine the other day about a woman who trains your children on the potty for you. Its a 4-6 hour session based loosely on the ideas of a book called Potty Training in One day, or something like that. She calls it booty camp. Now, get this: She charges 250 bucks a pop for the supposed privilege of feeding your child copious amounts of candy, pop and other crap (chips are salty and 'draw water into the bowel'), takes their diaper away, and insists that if they have any accidents they clean them up themselves.

The article asks whether this is endemic of parents having not enough time, or beliefs that everything has to be perfect in terms of parenting - both contributing factors in my opinion. But, speaking as someone who suffered through 18 months (!) of constipation and primary encoporesis (look it up) due to potty related angst, by about a year into it, I would have paid ANY amount of money in order to have her pooping normally. She's ok now, thankfully, the (ahem) 'penny' finally dropped when she was about 3 ½, but while it was going on, I felt kind of like that day-glo abortions song “the only thing I ever talk about is poo”. I did feel like a horrible mum. I tried everything to get her to “go”: feeding her basically a liquid diet for weeks at a time, nothing but soft fruits and veggies, no rice, no grains, no white foods, no meats... then, it was the childrens laxative drops. Olive oil. Milk of Magnesia. Fibre chews. Bowel buddy cookies. When that didnt work, I asked my doctor. He put her on a low dose lactulose solution, which did not really make one lick of difference. Then the bribery started. Candy. Presents. Smarties for the Smarty that uses the potty. Positive reinforcement. Negative consequences. threats, cajoling, begging. Taking the diaper away, giving it back, buying her big girl underwear, letting her run aroud naked. Giving her privacy, staying with her. making her sit on the potty for hours, leaving it in the middle of the living room for weeks on end, and (to my therapists horror) glycerin suppositories when I was at my wits end and she hadnt pooped in weeks to months. The biggest problem was that she held back – she would squeeze her little buttcheeks together and refuse to let it out – at one point I had a book called “everyone poops” and she asserted that she didn't.

“Boo, everyone poops – look, whales poop, horsies poop, bunnies poop, fishies poop, mummies poop, etc etc”
“I DONT POOP!!!”

Theres no real arguing with a 2 year old, of course.

But this is a common experience, apparently – one in five kids have chronic childhood constipation and primary encoporesis. The little girl that lives across the street from us was in a pull up until 6 because of it. We decided that we would keep her out of jk if it didnt resolve itself, we pulled her out of pre-school because of it. What I did feel, during the entire experience, was very judged: she must have developmental or emotional problems because she won't have a bm. This of course wouldnt be the case with the kid across the street, but then they are homeowners (the boo calls them “home ogres”) and not some single student mother. It must be because I've screwed it up somehow, right? The explanation was actually much simpler than this – she had a bad bout of constipation over the holidays when she was 2, and it hurt, and she was scared to poop from that point onwards, which compounded the problem. You know, I know Im not the best mom in the world, I make mistakes all the time. I think its ridiculous to pretend that you are a perfect parent, because hey, parents are human. They get tired, cranky, agitated, morose, etc etc etc... but I do the best I can do.

Anyways, it ended as quickly as it had begun – she decided one day that she would poop on the potty, did it, and never stopped doing it again. But rather than pay someone to do it for you, I think parents have to learn how to ride it out. There are always going to be difficult parts, the saga of the boo's toilet training was definitely a cake topper thus far (the parents with teenagers are laughing at me now, I know, because I know for a fact that I aint seen nothing yet) but how far does this delegation of responsibility go? In the end it was just a matter of being patient with a very icky situation and waiting it out.

That is the nice thing about parenting. What I feel like its taught me is how not to give up – I was one of those middle class kids that grew up in a culture of instant gratification – if I didnt get it immediately, Id give up. With children, you cant exactly leave them at the curb when it gets hard. And no matter how many times you make mistakes, you have to live with the consequences. Thankfully, most of the time, because of that damn instinct thing, the mistakes are generally pretty minor and consequences arent that bad. My daughter may grow up to be an anal retentive, but you know? Im a control freak too, and so is my mom, and so is her father. I would have a very hard time attributing a type A personality in her to mistakes I made while toilet training – the mistakes I make in the rest of her upbringing, sure. But not that.

So I guess what Im saying is go easy on yourself. It sucks, and sometimes it takes a long time. But sometimes its just a matter of being patient. I reckon that probably applies to a lot of things about child rearing, heh. Its been about 8 months now since she understood it, and I still am grateful for every single poo. Now if that isnt being a good mom, I dunno what is. :P

Snowed Under

2008-11-23T22:52:00.002-05:00

Literally and figuratively.

Wow, lots of work over the next few weeks. Helpful that the boo decided to get sick this particular weekend, woke me up at 1 in the morning on saturday screaming about an ear infection. Then puked. On me. And my bed. I have three essays due in three days this week.

Regardless of that, though, I did manage to be productive this weekend, and got substantive amounts of two of them done. The last is a formal lab report for ENV234, I will have to write the discussion tomorrow afternoon. It doesnt thrill me that I have to take this course in order to graduate, it is one of those courses that is really inconvenient for student parents to take - all day field trip on a Sunday, late labs every other tuesday, lots of irritating little assignments that add up but are oh so easily neglected in the face of more pressing (or should that be puking?) concerns. Oh well. The content of the course isnt too bad, overall, at least.

I am really very thankful, though, that I do have the support system I have. This weekend would have been a total write off had it not been for my mum being able to soothe the boo for me. Had this weekend been a total write off, I would have been able to kiss any chances that I had for an A in my two fourth year courses goodbye. I have A's in them currently, so to go so far and do so well and lose them to a twist of fate would have been particularly painful. That was what it was like with PSL302 last year. I did quite well in it, throughout the first semester, which is ostensibly supposed to be the harder semester, as its all neurophysiology., Second semester is systems physiology, so most peoples marks go up with the third term test. Not mine, though. The week prior was a huge blowout in terms of my custody battle, and was exacerbated on the last day before my test by some continuing drama. I only managed a 58% on that term test, and a B overall in the course, which hurt, because it wouldn't have been so low had it not been for the custody drama. As I am doing this (mostly) for her, in order to be a functional mom who can support her, to have her other half be so destructive to that goal was definitely difficult. But its over now, so I am happy about that.

She is snoring next to me at the moment. Kid has some adenoids on her or something, she snores like a full grown man, and has occasional apnea which is so, so, scary. I want to get her adenoids looked at, but I'm scared that the doc is going to insist that she have them out, which I dont want to do, because Im scared of having her undergo surgery. I know it's a very minor surgery, but still. My baby under the knife doesn't sit well with me. She has weird cravings as well (she will, for example, beg for a bowl of salt), so I got her blood tested at Sick Kids earlier on this year for electrolyte deficiencies. It came back normal, except for her b12, but thats because she likes my b12 tablets (theyre sublingual and taste good) and had had one before the blood test. But as we were there, we saw so many kids in so much pain, and suffering - my mum says that every parent should have to spend one day per month in a childrens hospital, to make them thankful for their healthy kid, no matter how much of a brat they're being. It certainly worked for me. She is such a miracle to me, even when I get feet in the small of my back when she's inadvertently turned herself horizontal sleeping in my bed (Do I regret co sleeping? ask me in another year) or told me she doesnt like me anymore or that Im a bad mummy because I won't let her climb the outside of the bannister up the stairs (lol). And yes, even when she is puking on me at 1 in the morning. I guess I'm just smitten.

I have it.

2008-11-19T18:45:00.003-05:00

A 15 page separation agreement in my hot little hands. signed and witnessed. Its done. It was relatively painless in comparison to some people's experience, but what a palpable sense of relief those documents are. I think this is why lawyers make so much money, because at some point you will pay any amount of money to be done with it, finished with it, have it clear and sorted out and above all else, off your plate in terms of worries.

Something to be grateful for today.

back from the netherworld

2008-11-13T13:20:00.002-05:00

Or at least from U of T. Its been over 18 months since I've written in this journal, but yesterday, Maria from the Family Care Office said to me "I miss your blog!" To which I replied "Somebody actually read the thing? Amazing." So I suppose I will start writing it again. I've also started two other blogs since then, one is a pictorial blog inspired by my ANA300 class, and one is a journal that I'm required to keep for my buddhist psychology class.

I'm in fourth year now. My daughter is four years old, and has started school herself, junior kindergarten is treating her nicely, but whoever heard of giving a four year old homework? I fundamentally disagree with that, as she does more on her own time in terms of learning her letters or anything else for that matter. She is frighteningly brilliant, some days I worry very deeply that she will be in a position sooner than later that eclipses my wits, and then I'm doooomed, heh. But that's not today, and I still have a threat of a naughty step in my arsenal.

I had a very tough year last year. There were a variety of reasons for it, which I will list briefly because I am on the other side of them for the most part, and can look back in retrospect and be happy that is no longer what I'm dealing with. At the end of second year, all hell broke loose in terms of my gut. I lost approximately 35 pounds in about 6 weeks, and was really struggling as I wasn't really getting very many nutrients. I had had a localized rash in first year that had been treated by a dermatologist in second with liquid antihistamine (which had a side effect of being an anxiolytic, it was awesome, and I was sleeping 12 hours a night because it knocked me out cold), but through various clinics and skin tests and upper intestinal tract biopsies, it was eventually determined that I have a gluten intolerance. So, no wheat. This caused a lot of problems. A lot of problems. As in, I was vegan for 3 years in my early 20's and that was a cakewalk in comparison to this. One of the things that I did in order to save time for studying during the day, for example, was buy a slice of pizza - cheap, semi alright in terms of food, and the best part about it? edible walking to my class/library. Not possible with a gluten intolerance. Problem 2: no chinese food. Soy sauce has wheat in it. Problem 3: can't eat french fries that have been cooked in the same oil as battered food. Problem 4: I really really like cookies. And on and on and on and on ad infinitum. So literally, I had to start from scratch and start, and rebuild not only my diet but how I thought about food. Rather than regarding food as fuel, I had to all of a sudden worry about it constantly. I felt like I went from losing weight because nothing would stay in me for more than 20 minutes to losing weight because I could no longer eat anything at all on this planet. It took a long time to adjust, and really was probably one of the hardest things. The other problem was that when I started the gluten free diet, I no longer took the liquid antihistamine, so my anxiety levels shot through the roof, and I was no longer sleeping more than 5 hours a night. It was a bit of a shock to the system.

Now, compared to that, believe it or not, a custody battle is a relatively minor undertaking, but yes, it did present itself to me. It will have to wait for another day though, because my 15 minutes is almost up. As well, the severe crisis of confidence I was having in my belief structure and core motivations for being at school, but I have a feeling that will be a post in of itself. Yeah. A lot happened last year.

Been a while...

2007-02-11T21:12:00.000-05:00

But I finally got around to posting. won't be that long, just a basic update on life. School is going well - A's and A-'s with the four courses that I have: BIO250, HMB265, JGE221, and ENV235. I've found a combination of medications that really enable me to focus in a way that I previously haven't been able to at UT and its made a huge difference in my outlook about everything. I'm now fairly sure that I'm going to be trying for law school in a couple of years. Osgoode hall in particular has a really good program that combines an MA in environmental studies and an LLB, so that would be the dream I suppose.

The munchkin is lovely, she's talking up a storm, and has just about as much personality as you can fit into a 28 pound body. She really does light up my life in such a myriad of ways, and I'm so thankful for her. It's interesting, because the more stressed out I get, the more functional I become - I really pull it together for her. That's the dirty little secret I suppose, of student parents... there is the perfect motivation in her.

I will be posting again sooner... I forgot how to sign in for ages... lol.

I am so flippin sick of CHM139

2006-08-11T13:44:00.000-04:00

So I'm taking (a probably not earned yet) break. :)

It's a funny one... I can't seem to get anywhere over a 65 in that course for my tests, no matter how hard I study... course that meant I was below the average on the first term test and far above it on the second, but nevermind.

Here is some random social theorizing for you:

.... or not. The thing I wanted to type in disappeared. Dammit. that means I left my phil book at home...

ah well. My thesis for my phil essay shall have to do.

My question posed was regarding Utilitarianism, indirect utilitarianism in specific. I'll post the argument I make, with the example that makes it clear, instead of all the boring and obtuse theory that comes from the contemporary moral philosopher we're reading:

Definition: "indirect utilitarianism is a kind of utilitarianism which recognizes that an agent is more likely to act rightly by developing the right attitudes, habits and principles, (presumably utilitarian) then acting on them, rather than trying to calculate the value of the consequence before deciding to act.

Williams also includes the expression of a character disposition in his definition, which leads to the idea of agent centred values, and what role they play.

So, in answering the question as to what role agent centred values play, I come to the crux of my thesis: In that indirect utilitarianism is in fact, utilitarianism, but only if the agent centred values are in of themselves utilitarian. This begs an education in utilitarian morality, which is not inconsistent with Mill's assertion that "moral feelings are not innate, but acquired, and not for that reason less natural."

It also requires an ongoing interest and engagement in the society that you happen to inhabit, so that the moral choices that you make (while not specifically utilitarian, per se) are still informed and enlightened.

This would work well with Mill's assertion that "education and opinion, which have so vast a power over human character, should so use that power as to establish in the mind of every individual an indissoluble association between his own happiness and the good of the whole."

The day to day actions that you take will therefore, even if on a subconscious level, be more likely to promote utilitarian values.

So, now I have to bring forward an example of what I mean.

Take for example, a utilitarian view of what should be done about the environment. In a direct utilitarian view, one should do everything in their power to reduce the harm they inflict upon the environment. That is, they should live close to their place of work, and walk or bike there, they should also eat low on the food chain and wear only natural clothing. I'll stop here before I draw too much of a caricature of the tree hugging hippie. That is, their every action should be one in accordance with saving the environment.

For an indirect utilitarian however, it may be morally admissable to live in the suburbs and drive a car, so long as they are studying ways in which the environment can be helped. Especially if living in the city means that they're unable to afford going to school.

However, both situations require an analysis of utilitarian principles at some level, and a justification of utilitarian principles at some level. It is the person that lives in accordance with environmental principles that seems to have less of a hard time sleeping at night, but the person studies the environment for solutions to pressing issues that can be actualized in a far greater degree that seems to have the potential to do a greater good and maximize utility overall.

The only person who would not be able to lay claim to either of these edicts, it would seem, is the uneducated one: uneducated in both the utilitarian principle and the harm reduction strategies on the environment.

There's much (much!) more, but it gets more referential to the text from then on, so I won't post it, as it's really boring if you haven't actually read the text. :P

Okie, that was a good exercise. back to chem now, I suppose (I don't think I've ever looked forward to a course finishing as much as I am looking forward to this one finishing.... )

I should be studying chemistry.

2006-07-31T22:32:00.000-04:00

But all work and no play makes Angela want to kill herself.

I gave my brother a ride back from the city today, tomorrow is my mom's birthday so he came home for that, as well as getting out of the heat. We had a fantastic conversation on the way home about suburbia: the frustrations about living in the burbs, the attitudes that prevail in scene-ster-ism, and the fact that it's utter insanity that we feel like we're somehow less worthy of respect because we live in a place that doesn't gouge large holes in our pocketbooks and give us asthma.

Granted, he's moved into the city, so he can see it from that perspective. But he had a great idea: A Save the Suburbs Movement. The thought process is thusly: since there are so many places on this earth that we grant amnesty in terms of so many different things, why can't we declare the suburbs to be a cultural third world? And demand that places like Kensington Market or Parkdale grant us cultural amnesty? Why is it that there are so many people (a full 40% of under 29 year olds live at home, according to the last census, that number is more like 60% when you take it as being under 25 -- they don't all live in the cities, trust me) that are so essentially ashamed to admit where they come from and what they do?

I've had the same thoughts about it, in a bit more of a sociological perspective (as I seem to be a bit of a wax sociologist sometimes) but the way I see it is this: Since the "Move back into the city" movement began in the 80's, there has been an ongoing gentrification of the major cities in North America. The fact of the matter is that any hip young twenty something living there is part of the problem, not the solution. You want to be ghetto and authentic? Move to mississauga; because that's where all the "ghettos" are: they aren't in the city anymore. Haven't been in a long time. You are some fucking yuppy scum dressed up in pre ripped jeans, early homeless chique. And as for the rest of us folx toiling away on the GO: Godamn, be proud of where you come from. As much as it is a cultural wasteland, you're not poisoning your lungs and embracing your alienation. You realize how important family is (or you realize how much easier it is to survive.)

The harder thing shouldn't necessarily be the more respected in this life: I know that this is the case with most of us, we think of people that have it hard as being somehow more worthy than people who don't. But we need to choose our battles wisely, ultimately, and being ashamed of where our parents live is an extremely wasteful way to spend our time.

This is why I love brown people: they just don't give a shit about this kind of stuff. Family is more important... why can't this be seen as a valid option for white folx? What is this utter obsession with rebellion and individuality? I mean, isn't it the case that if everyone is rebellious and individualistic, no one is? And isn't it the case that we're all just behaving like assholes for the sake of it?

Anyways... it's almost 11 so past my bedtime... Gnite, Jonboy.

A letter to a man I was in love with for 24 hours....

2006-07-30T22:14:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I expressed an interest in you. An attraction to you. The first time I've expressed any such thing to anyone in a long time; since I broke up with my kid's dad. It's not the easiest thing being a single mom... you're constantly torn by the dualism that is your life: you're a woman, and a mother, and you somehow had to get to be a mother but mothers are never supposed to have the urges that got them to be mothers in the first place.

What I wanted to say: I wanted to fuck you, not date you. And this is where the conflict arises.

I don't want to date someone who has gone back to school to become more downwardly mobile. I don't buy into it anymore. Because downwardly mobile, removed from its subcultural context, is poverty. Plain and simple. I don't want a relationship with someone who is still very much in a space that they need to be someone for other people rather than themselves. I spent far too much time in that space. I gave everything to that space, including 10 years of my life, my sanity, and my health. If activism had given me back one tenth of what I had given it, I would still be doing it. But unfortunately, the scene being what it is, it doesn't. It uses you up, sucks you dry, and spits you out with nothing to show for it but rotten teeth from too many hand rolled cigarettes and too much cheap booze. I was tired of going to jail, I was tired of being concussed by being beaten about the head with nightsticks, I was tired of actively destroying myself all in the name of saving the world. I was also tired of the prevalent attitude of using people as means, not ends: Nowhere have I seen that more than in the activist scene. I was tired of my friends going to prison or being maimed by cops. I was tired of endless noise and solidarity demonstrations with our fallen comrades. I was tired of wandering, shaking my money maker to get enough cash together to get to the next city, the next country, the next continent.

It is a horrible irony in my life that I devoted so much of my youth to being a cool person, as I very essentially am not one. I'm one of the biggest geeks you ever shall meet: the peach-dress-with-jogging pants-and-red-shoes kind of braceface geek that grew too fast and gangly, teased into oblivion by her peers. It is a horrible irony that I devoted enough time and energy into being a "cool" person that I will never be seen as straightlaced again.... I am one of the statistical social problems now, the welfare queen single mom subsidy sucking miscreant that neo-cons like to pin all the world's ills on. But neither can I lay claim to being "cool" anymore, by dint of trying to do right by my daughter, living in the burbs, and accepting the life of compromise and consumerism that having a child in the 21st century seems to necessitate. So I'm stuck - again. Pushed into this corner by my past, intimidated by my future.

I had to examine very closely why I had such a strong reaction to you. It was visceral, and nearly painful in its intensity. I do understand that certain lessons keep presenting themselves to me: you didn't represent you, you represented an archetype from my past. A boy very much like you destroyed my life and sent me packing for europe from Eugene... it's gotta be the motorcycle and the Robert L. Pirsig connection, something that was never finished, just run away from. In fact I never thought I'd date a guy again after him.... swore off men entirely, and spent the next three years of my life in a relationship with a woman. Life has a funny way of coming round and biting you in the ass, doesn't it? Just when I think I'm over it all, you drop in and tell my libido at least that it's definitely not the case.

But alas, you were scared. Or simply uninterested. Better cut down on the weed, it's affecting your ability to give a damn. There is a difference between detachment and pot induced alienation, even though they may seem at some point to be one in the same. Scared in the same typical way that I wanted to date you. Didn't get the message when I said that I was attracted to the back of your neck and the way you smelled. Does that sound like an academic attraction to you? You kissed me so I thought you got it: I was inviting more of the same when I offered my one day off in the semester to you. It was a good lesson on my part, however: made me examine what I actually wanted and what I really didn't. For that, I thank you.

sometimes I wish I could wear a sign....

2006-05-28T09:31:00.000-04:00

... that says: "Yes, I am a single mother. No, I don't want to marry you. Neither do I want to immediately jump into bed with you and get pregnant. I don't even know you. Maybe we could go out on a date first?" :lol:

Alright, It's been forever...

2006-03-27T00:32:00.000-05:00

So I'm gonna post a quick update. I'm just about to start my hell week at school: after this week I should have considerably more time to breathe. I finished my bioethics essay this week, it's a very conservative stance but I think I did a good job at arguing it, I'll post it when I get a chance.

It's spring, ergo I have crushes. (Someone told me I wasn't white trash because I used the word "ergo" on biome in the early days of UT. What I wanted to say at the time and didn't was that poor doesn't equal stupid.) I'm wondering if it's ethical to date one of my classmates, given the age difference. The other ones are on TA's so I'm not as worried about them, though they probably have ethical guidelines they have to follow, lest they be fired. And speaking of men, G. is pissing me off to no end... it's a girl! ....and a boy! Of all the immature, sesile, boring things he can do, he's started to smoke pot again. I feel like saying to him "Get the fuck out of my life, you selfish addicted prick." But I can't... because that selfish, addicted prick happens to be 1/2 of the most important person in my life's DNA. So it's opening the hurt box over and over and over again. Tonight I took him to the train and said, just as he was getting out: "I think you're sociopathic in your disassociation from your emotions: I would do anything not to make what I said to you last week (that he gave up his daughter to point lights at shit) the truth. You just let it roll off you and smoke another joint, play another video game and download another porn. That said, you're not actively destroying anyone's life other than your own. You're not rebelling against me, or anastasia, so you're only hurting yourself at this point. Though sometimes I would like us to be a happy little family, my better judgment has to rule when it comes to her. Why that's not the same for you will always be a mystery to me."

So yeah. My life is complicated, I suppose. It's the time of year... those last throes of winter are often so hard to get through, so you end up taking it out on whoever's available and a good target. and he has been both lately. nvm that it's just about a year since he left me with a 5 month old and a sick mom to go and point lights at shit in Stratford. Not that easily forgivable, if you ask me.

Hmm. Some thoughts.

2006-02-17T22:21:00.000-05:00

On the first eve of the reading week (the whole nine days stretches out in front of me, just waiting to be filled with work) I have a bit of a contemplative head on, so I'm going to try to express them. I wrote a very depressing blog the night before my physics test, about how it feels to come face to face with maybe (just maybe) not being smart enough to survive at this venerable institution... test anxiety reigned supreme. So I was extremely thankful for that easy test. A 70 something is good. It means a 20% improvement in my test grades from the past ones. So, suffice to say, I feel better.

I'm someone who is always thinking. I've been thinking about what aspects of UT I've found the most difficult to adjust to and what aspects have been good. I think it's been most difficult to adjust to the fact that people see me for face value and grossly underestimate what I'm capable of. I'm a pretty intelligent person, all told. I was skipped two grades in elementary and highschool respectively, and always was enrolled in the enrichment programs. I never wanted that, however. I wanted desperately (especially after the move here from montreal and the first grade skipped) to be cool, popular, etc. so those were the things I always gravitated towards. It led to my dropping out in my last year of highschool and travelling the world, being a political activist, living in trees, drinking my face off, and generally trying mightily to conquer the "cool..."

Which will be a series of blogs when I ever get the time, but I digress. I wanted to talk about UT, and what's been difficult. When I got pregnant, I knew for the first time in my life exactly what I wanted to be, and exactly how I wanted to do it. Suddenly being cool was the least important thing on earth. Unfortunately this wasn't the case with my ex, who still had an obsession with being a certain way... which is why we eventually parted ways. All of a sudden I knew who I was... and started the long and sometimes painful journey of getting back to that person.

But, the ironies never cease.... I now find myself in a position where people don't in fact see me as the brain, but instead as a white trash single mom who has absolutely no business being at UT. UT is a pretty socially conservative place, all told. Many many students here feel that there is only one path to success, and that path consists of having as much privilege and pursuit as humanly possible. I'm not really able to fit into that mould, and likewise I'm no longer able to fit into that "downwardly mobile" politically active mould. I'm not a soccer mom, but neither am I a university student.... And as Deepayan emotes, I feel utterly schizophrenic sometimes.

In a place as big as UT, the stereotype rules... so what do you do if you defy all stereotypes? Win them over, one person at a time. Seem tiring? I think so.

On a second and possibly only partially related note: I need a boyfriend like I need a hole in the head. I have no time, no energy, and no ability to see anyone in my life in that capacity. I share my bed with Anastasia every night, and she wouldn't allow it, let alone my uncomfortable feelings about bringing someone new into my life who places their importance over her. SO WHY DOES EVERY BOY I ENCOUNTER ASSUME THAT I'M TRYING TO ROPE THEM INTO MARRIAGE???? For godsakes, I'm at UT to get an education, not get someone to support me.

That said, I have one hell of a competency crush on my Physics TA. lol

2006-02-04T16:14:00.000-05:00

You wouldn't Teach a Calculus Course this way....

so why are they teaching physics without a single worked example in class? I bought a book called “How to Solve Physics Problems” today, and all of a sudden, what I've been struggling with since september becomes utterly clear. Why? Because it's just worked examples. With explanations accompanying them.

It's utter madness imho that they think that teaching physics without worked examples is alright, or kosher, in any way shape or form. It's analogous to giving us lego in the lectures and expecting us to build a rocketship on the tests. People can succeed in this course, but only the people with the resources, time, and energy to go and scrounge up Titanium Carbide. They teach the concepts, but give us no direction whatsoever in terms of the problems we're expected to master. I try to do the problems they assign, but there is very little there in terms of “How to start this problem” or, How to put less than 3 hours of time into banging away at this problem in the hopes that you may at some point understand it.

Physics isn't a hard subject, if it's taught. BUT it's not taught! Unbelievable. It discriminates against the people without the time, resources and energy to work for hours and hours on it (I know I'm in a significant minority in terms of having a kid, but people with jobs are not, and people who commute are not) and it's taught in an arcane way that doesn't take into account the changing demography of university life today. We're given a 10 pound textbook on the assumption that we live in residence, so our home is on campus, and we're told to read, each and every week at least 25 pages out of it, most weeks more. Then we're expected to be able to teach ourselves the quantitative aspects of the course out of it, and only it, since worked examples are non existant in the lecture. Our grading is entirely based on quantitative analyses, rather than any concepts they may present to us in lecture. Our tutorials are mindless busywork that keep us NOT ASKING QUESTIONS for the duration. And the physics help sessions are generally pretty unhelpful.

There are easy ways and difficult ways to go about just about every problem in physics. If they were actually interested in having us successfully learn their subject, rather than having the GPA at a certain point, they would just get along with teaching us the easy way.

Ok. that's my rant. I'm done. It's been a good 15 minute break. Back to physics now. :P

2006-01-31T11:18:00.000-05:00

Random thoughts for a Tuesday morning....

I felt like screaming in Con hall yesterday. You know what i felt like screaming? "All of you assholes that want to be doctors and can't even muster up enough compassion to treat each other like human beings, let alone give the Prof the respect she deserves to be listened to!!!"
This is why I take effexor.

I am so thankful for the people without hidden agendas in my life, (you know who you are) and so dubious of the people who do have them. This dude added me to his MSN and got me talking one evening... and ever since then has decided it's his own personal mission to save me. I don't need saving. It's him that needs saving.... from this brainwashed born again morality play that says anyone who doesn't think exactly like him is shit.

There seems to be fewer and fewer moderates that I encounter on a daily basis. Why is extremism rearing its ugly head more often, I'll never know.

Then again, there are very few people who would accuse me of being a moderate.

I wonder if I've majorly screwed myself when it comes to my education by coming here for the program I've chosen. It was (and still is) a risk, as it doesn't lead to anything tangible at the end. At least with an RN I know that I can get a job after four years. This life science distinction doesn't mean a whole lot... so I wonder if this is going to get me nothing but 80 000 dollars of debt at the end. At the end of second year it will be more clear, I think... and if I still suspect as much, it's only a matter of transferring and doing 18 months to become a nurse... nice, safe, nursing. Good place for me -- out of the way, typical, easily quantifiable to my peers, can't kick up a lot of fuss and even if I did, not listened to because I'm "just a nurse." Not that I'd ever be happy being that complacent, but hey....

I wanted for years to do a photo shoot of "squat toilets of europe" ala those "Doors of Ireland" posters that you see in poshy hippies houses....

K, must go struggle with physics for several hours now. This has been a good procrastination exercise, but like all good things, it must come to an end. :)

Why my daughter is one of the strangest kids in the world....

2006-01-28T20:57:00.000-05:00

I know everyone has funny little kid stories, but Anastasia has a few things that set her apart. First of all, she eats hair. She can't go to bed without a hair in her mouth. I keep on telling myself she's going to grow out of it, but she's almost 18 months and it's still going strong. I had to get her one of those dollar store hairpieces because I was developing a bald spot from her ripping out hair from my widow's peak. If you were ever wondering why my hair looks the way it does, that's why. Secondly, she pretends to sleep on the bottom stair. I don't know why she thinks this is a good place to sleep, but apparently it is the perfect place for her to pretend to sleep. And I'm not talking about once, or for a couple of minutes. This is a theme. She does it every time she goes past the stairs, for several minutes. She'll have her bottle, and insist that I hang my head over so she can play with my hair. Weird, weird, weird. Third, when she's in the bath, she'll dump ice cold water on herself. Then laugh. She loves to be cold, far more than she likes to be warm. She can't stand blankets and will kick anything I put onto her off. Fourth, and last, she doesn't have tastes like other babies. She loves anything strong tasting. She will drink lemon juice straight, if I let her. She adores Clamato juice and smoked salmon. Pickles are for her. She, and this is no word of a lie, had more of an adverse reaction to her first banana than to her first dill pickle.

I have a weird little daughter. But that's ok... it keeps it interesting. :)

story of my life...

2006-01-18T22:16:00.000-05:00

Ok. So I go to this Time Management Seminar for parents, through counselling and learning skills service. Show up a little bit early, no one is there. sit my butt down, pull out my day planner, and start writing stuff down. This is the makeup of the room: there is one young-ish woman sitting with a little boy, spoonfeeding him some lunch. There's a pregnant woman sitting up at the head of the room, and there's an older woman sitting close to her. I figured that the pregnant woman and the woman with the kid were both students, there for the seminar. I think "well, it's a bit of a small group, but that's ok..." Then another woman walks in, and sits down.

So, then the woman who is heavily pregnant speaks up. "Well, I guess we're just about ready to begin. Can we go around and introduce ourselves?" The woman with the kid introduces herself as the woman who is running the time management seminar, and the older woman and the pregnant woman introduce themselves as from the family care office. So I'm still thinking that the last woman that came in is a potential parent... so I say to her: "You go first."

She introduces herself. "Well, I'm a fourth year PhD student, and I don't actually have any children, but I was wondering how people would be able to balance school and children... because I was thinking about having children in the future, and I want to be prepared."

Uh huh. Not only is she probably younger than me, she is infinitely more educated than me and is just doing this to plan ahead. Typical overachieving UT student that can't leave anything up to chance, I guess.

Cut the camera to me. With the snot on my shoulders, and the halo of motherhood that I call my rats' nest of a hairdo, the dark circles under my eyes and my inability to utter a sentence without mentioning my daughter... the most meaningful conversations I have nowadays are about the loggy loggy log and the bear in the big blue house going potty... me, in my "doing the best I can" life, is all of a sudden put on the spot as the only ACTUAL parent needing time management. What is perhaps, a bit ironic, is that I have pretty good time management skills already. It was utterly necessary for me to develop them. So, their time management seminar was useless for the most part, as I just wanted to meet some other parents on campus and succeeded in not meeting a single one. What I did manage to do was depress myself.

What's worse, perhaps is the next person that makes the mistake of talking to me is Ishraq -- he probably thinks I'm shit off nuts, because I just unloaded on him. He was looking at me like "who is this freak, and why is she telling me this?" Which I can't blame him for... lol

The most surprising things about U of T were:

2006-01-16T21:25:00.000-05:00

1. The rampant conservativism of the people that go there.
2. The inability of most of the teachers to teach.
3. For a whole lot of really smart people, most act really stupidly when it comes to competitiveness.
4. The amount of work.
5. The mutant squirrels which I'm sure are bred somewhere in the bowels of RW.

sigh Somedays it's hard not to lose faith.

2006-01-13T15:53:00.000-05:00

Well, at least I can do this well.

I wrote what I thought was a kickass midterm for my seminar course, "Women, Gender and Work". I figured A-, because they can't give out that great grades, and I knew my arguments weren't as fantastic as they could have been. That said, I felt like I nailed it, so much so that I was confident enough to leave a 1/2 hour early.

Got it back today. B. I know that seems like a good mark, but it was very disappointing. I don't understand how you can lose 25% of your mark for three run on sentences and one erroneous abbreviation of the word "position." In the marker's own words: Good essay! Your ideas were very easy to follow and well supported."

Ok yes. niggling shite that I shouldn't worry about, but still makes me mad. The prof himself came up to me and said: "this should be higher." I stared at him blankly and said, "yes, it should be higher." As in: why the hell don't you change it? I don't get upset with marks very often, but this one felt very unfair.

I guess in the quantitative courses I'm taking, I feel like I'm able to accept the fact that, when it comes right down to it, I didn't know the answer. I can see the motivation behind giving hard exams, because it pushes you to study harder and have a greater understanding of the course material. But when you do your best (as I try always to do) and it's not good enough to nail something you feel you have a very fundamental understanding of.... well, it cuts deeper, I suppose.

Ah well. Must run and catch a train now.

Later...

And let this be a lesson to me... Don't forget to take my effexor in January. :) I was really, unambigously upset, moreso than I have been since I've come to UT over that midterm. I was crying on the train on the way home... and I was super thirsty, too... and had a headache, and a dry throat... wait a sec? Did I take my drugs this morning? nope... HA. Gives me some perspective and a reason why I'm crying over a freakin B.... lol

Ten Reasons why Canada is Better than Switzerland

2006-01-09T07:50:00.000-05:00

1. Space.
2. You don't feel like you're going to die every time you go for a drive.
3. Extra large all dressed pizza in Switzerland = 75$
4. Salt on the roads (I would normally be against this, but after driving down a mountain with none, and it being covered with 3 inches of ice, I kinda like it)
5. No oompa music
6. Nicer people in Canada.
7. Space.
8. Women didn't get the vote until 1971 (No, that isn't a typo.)
9. Clocks BONGING, DINGING, RINGING, constantly.
10. Not so anal about shoes being in a neat row here.

Ten Reasons why Switzerland is Better than Canada

2006-01-09T07:43:00.000-05:00

1. Mountains.
2. Factory work = 4000$ a month, minimum
3. Solar panels. Everywhere.
4. Only 14 chemicals (TOTAL) allowed in food.
5. Chocolate has minimum cocoa content.
6. Mountains.
7. Fantastic social programs.
8. You can drive for an hour and be in a completely different climate
9. You can wait for an hour and be in a completely different weather system
10. Fantastic eco management.

Yet another thing to waste time with...

2006-01-08T15:41:00.000-05:00

I've tried doing one of these things before, but they always turn into extremely depressing missives about my lack of social graces and dreary posts about how I miss this that or the other. Why I think this will be different, I have no idea... but I never really had a ready made audience the way I do now... presto, change-o, biome becomes my own personal sounding board. Not that it wasn't already.

But yes. I do admit to scrolling through Noaman, Deepayan, and Shankar's blogs... and wanting to do some writing of my own because of the inspiration that I've drawn from them. As well, there are very few people I can talk to about what my life has been like over the past 4 months who could even hope to have a modicum of understanding, so this may be a more productive outlet.

Some stuff:

1. Why, when people ask about getting into medschool, do they very rarely (I've never witnessed it myself) ask what the make up of the people who are there is? This is what drives me crazy with curiosity: do most of them come from families with doctors? Are most of them rich? Do any of them have life experiences not relating to tailoring themselves for the most ivory of the ivory towers? Are those things valued in the slightest? The answers are probably hard to find out (privilege rarely flaps its lips about itself) and I'm suspicious that I already know them.... or at least have preconceived notions that may need tearing down.

2. I think I've figured out why UT is so tough. It's something I've turned around in my head trying to come to an understanding about it more than, perhaps, I've spent on my schoolwork this semester... It comes, not to a "Survival of the Fittest" conclusion (like most first years seem to immediately want to apply) but one of simple economics: UT gets 4 times the amount of tuition money from an international student as from a domestic one. The federal funding has been cut drastically to higher education in recent years, so they don't get as much from the government, either. They are a well known school internationally, so they can afford to market themselves to an international audience, and must keep to a certain standard so they continue to be attractive to international applicants. International schooling standards are higher than Canadian ones, hence, UT's educational standards have to be higher than your average Canadian Postsecondary in order not to be considered a joke school. All of this is extrapolated (rather without basis, I must admit) from a conversation that I had with a friend of mine from mat135 that went something like this:

M: our mathclass is a bit of an odd mix of people, don't you think?
A: Yeah... it's like there's no middle ground at all
M: Half of them look like they're bored to tears and the other half look like they're completely out of their depth... I'm glad I took the basic math in Switzerland, otherwise I would look completely bored to tears myself...

and that got it stirring... Then I looked back at some of the posts I took so much offense to in early bioming days... and they all said similar things (though not in very nice terms) about India's school system.

So, the question is... why is our educational system treating us like morons?

I have an answer, too (shortly: because it serves them well to do so) but that will have to be for another day.